Saturday, January 23

Movie Review - Titanic: The Animated Musical

Before you ask, yes, this masterpiece of reality-based fiction exists. It's too bad that such a piece of work is hardly known, I've likely seen plenty of movies that borrow from it. Before I get into that though, I'll introduce you to this fine movie.

This animated feature is the story of what really happened on the Titanic, and none of this James Cameron junk. Why do I say it's the actual story? Because it claims to be right on the back of the DVD cover, and everyone knows you can always trust a DVD by it's cover.

It starts off with the sinking of the Titanic as people are rowing away in their little lifeboats. The camera primarily focuses on the main character, an young woman...or teenage girl named Angelica (the movie never explains her age, but a masterpiece like this doesn't have to.) The sight of the Titanic sinking is so incredibly moving and saddening that it even makes the dalmatians cry. The shots are so well done that we have the pleasure of watching it several times over. It's also beautifully drawn at about 4 frames a second. We then zoom into her eyes to begin the movie long flashback.

We are now on a train, watching Angelica looking at a picture in her necklace of some lady. Her evil step mother and step sisters are also on the train, saying that she'll never find her mother. She argues back that she will, and then we end this two sentence scene and move to the next. Wow, already we know this movie's going to be fast paced too...and that "Cinderella" was based off of it.

In the next scene we meet an evil old woman and her two thief servants of hers, which Cruella De Vil in "101 Dalmatians" must have been based off of. Shortly after, Angelica loses her necklace while carrying her step family's luggage onto the boat. We then meet the mouse family of the movie. Angelica meets the mouse and smiles. Next, a very attractive lady with two dalmatians shows up, and some french dude finds Angelica's necklace on the ground. Being the jerk that he is, he picks up the necklace and plans to give it to the dalmatian lady - yey, another "101 Dalmatians" influence. Right after that, we are introduced to the hunk of the movie and his nanny. This might seem a bit odd, that a young man still needs a nanny, but this is important character development as it teaches us that he's, um...still venerable? We also meet some bird, three Mexican mice, and a special detective that Sherlock Holmes was surely based on. All of this happens within 90 seconds, but 90 seconds is always enough time to introduce twelve characters and develop them in a masterpiece such as this.

Wow, James Cameron's "Titanic", "Cinderella", "101 Dalmatians", "An American Tail", and even "Sherlock Holmes"? This movie must have been revolutionary to have so many movies directly based off of it - and to think nobody has heard of it...utter insanity!

Next thing we know, the Titanic departs. We cut to Angelica being summoned from third class to her evil step-family, where her step mom scolds her for not packing their clothes properly. They break a cup on the floor just so she would have to clean it up, further showing that they are PURE EVIL [insert evil laugh here]! We then learn that there is some sort of formal dance on the way, but Angelica can't go because she doesn't have a good dress of her own. Back in her room, the young mouse from the first family somehow falls out of the vent and gets his tail stuck. Angelica and her roommates feed the young mouse and rescue him.

The young mouse, having overheard the conversation about Angelica's missing necklace, asks his parents to help the girl out. Before they come to a decision, they are attacked by two cats. Luckily, a big dog scares the cats off. The kid thanks the dog, and...OK, why is the dog rapping? Seriously, why is the dog rapping?

Yeah, as you can probably tell by now, this movie isn't original at all, there is no character or even story development,'s just bad. This movie's actually so bad people debate on whether or not it actually exists - I'M NOT KIDDING. The animation is horrible in multiple ways: Unnatural movements, 4 frames a second at the most, it keeps repeating itself, and all lip movements - when there are lip movements - are completely out of sync. This movie is also the biggest rip off I've ever seen (as already explained in reverse.) Half the characters in this movie aren't even named, or at least mentioned very briefly before the movie rushes toward someone else.

Anyway, back to the, um...rapping dog. The Mexican mouse band starts playing the background noise as the dog seems to grab a radio and a basketball suit completely out of no where as he raps along. This is unpleasant enough as it is, but soon you will experience the chorus where everyone joins in for some reason. The lyrics keep repeating, and...why don't you just watch for yourself.

After that, we go back to the three criminals on board, Cruella De Vil and the two boneheads, talking about how stupid the boneheads are. They soon leave their cabin and try to steal stuff. They try to enter some woman's cabin, but her dog trips them with his leash. OK, why are there so many dogs on board? This isn't Noah's it? We even get a meeting where four dogs are talking about the thieves and forming some animal detective group.

Next up, the two bonehead thieves break into someone's cabin (being followed by Sherlock), but after re-watching it seven times, I still have no idea what happened, what foiled them, or how they got away from the detective. In any case, Angelica passes by De Vil, and bumps into the hunk. Finally, the two main characters meet, and are in love after sharing a whopping two sentences and a hand touch together.

The animals are now preparing some fiesta, while talking about Angelica's lost necklace. Next, you get one of the most pointless and dumb scenes I've ever seen. This pointless scene involves a never before seen mouse walking through the pipes before reaching the kitchen. He steals some food, the chef is somehow lit on fire, and that's the scene. Oh yeah, the only voice acting in this scene is grunting (this includes the human chef and the waiter who randomly pops by.)

Now for Big Bad Ben's 3-4 word sentence sum up of the mid-section of this movie (yeah, the title needs work.)

Step-family dresses up.
Hunk looks for Angelica.
Hunk talks about Angelica.
Angelica walking with roommate.
Boy loses ball.
Hunk get's boy's ball.
Dalmatian lady actually singer.
Jerk gives singer necklace.
Singer starts singing.
Song boring, but improvement.
Hunk finally finds Angelica.
They share seven sentences.
Hunk's name is William (took them long enough to give him a name.)
Angelica's roommate gives dress.
Dalmatians find Angelica's necklace.

That's a sum up of the mid section. Next up, we get an annoyingly stupid scene about the mouse family looking for the necklace. Not only do the singer's dogs not help (even though they are looking for the necklace too), but all the mouse family does is clumsily search the room and constantly grunt THE WHOLE FRIGGIN' SCENE. Then the step sisters show up, revealing that this is not the singer's room. I don't know, this really makes no sense. The very next scene is in the correct room however, and the dalmatians move a couch to make it easier. This is completely pointless though, since there's a bird in the group who just flies up and grabs it. This movie is just getting worse as it goes. Well, the bird pointlessly tries to keep it to himself the second they suddenly warp to Angelica's room, but it's too late already. Yey, she got her necklace back!

Time for the dance, where nothing remarkable happens.The detective is here, looking ridiculously out of place in a pirate costume and Angelica's step sisters being, um, humiliated in the lamest way possible. Oh wait, right, Angelica and William meet again, and decide never to leave each other again. The next scene is a very racist song...see for yourself.

I don't...I can''s just indescribable.

Thankfully the next notable thing that happens is the sinking of the Titanic. I'll skip over this part because it's just so lame, and just go straight to the part where they're on the lifeboats. On the lifeboat, Angelica meets her mother to complete this cliche ending. All the animals found their own flotation device, and even to save the cook from a floating pot. Can a metal pot carrying a fat cook even float? Next up, dolphins randomly showed up and happily push the animals; this is the happiest tragedy movie ever.

Oh yeah, they even have one of those where are they now montages, where the two stepsisters marry the boneheads. The detective got an award for arresting De Vil (which they never showed), Angelica and William get married, have many children and adopt the Dalmatians.

I think the worst part about this movie is the insultingly happy ending. I mean...they casually say that one character died, and that's it. Honestly, this ending is happier than the vast majority of romance movies when it should be a sad one. The whole movie is a mess: there are far too many sub-plots, and hardly any of them connect at all. In addition to that, the only resolution that makes any sense is the Boy meets Girl and falls in love story, but when they share less than 20 sentences together it's hard to buy.

There is one good thing about this movie's less than an hour long.

My two word review:

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