Bibleman review

    It’s been too long since the last movie review on this blog. School’s finally done, the eye strain I was suffering through for nearly a month is almost completely gone, and it’s time to finally review something.

    This review is a bit different. It’s a single episode of a video series. Don’t worry, there’s plenty to talk about here – it’s a Fundamentalist Christian TV show about a superhero called Bibleman. There is so much fail contained in this half-hour episode that I still can’t believe it. The acting is, well … what acting? Neither the story nor the concept makes any sense, and this episode’s villain is simultaneously an absolute genius and an absolute idiot. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Movie review - Brazilian Star Wars

(behold the Millenium Failcon)

    Warning, the movie that is reviewed in this post should not be viewed by anyone. It is an atrocity of epic proportions. To even call it a movie is an insult to every other movie reviewed or even referenced on this blog. You are welcome.

    Brazilian Star Wars is a spoof on Star Wars, if you could call it that. The movie’s official title is Os Trapalhões Na Guerra Dos Planetas, which is roughly translated to “The tramps in Planet Wars.” Who are the tramps? They’re a group of Brazilian buffoons who think they’re the four stooges. Their silly reactions to the movie’s events are so over the top that it will make you sick. Their non-jokes make Disaster Movie look like a work of genius. It makes Garbage Pail Kids look like a sophisticated work of art. To quote the Cinema Snob; “To call them silly would be to take the dignity out of the word silly.” In short, this movie is painfully unfunny – the worst kind of bad movie.

Movie Review - Star Wars Holiday Special

    I will never complain about the Star Wars prequel trilogy again, not after witnessing the atrocity that is the Star Wars Holiday Special. It is incredibly bad, from its constant wookie barking to its completely pointless instruction video for fictional communications technology. But I’m getting ahead of myself, let’s start from the beginning.

(This is what qualifies for comedy in this "special,"

a man dressed like a middle-aged woman on a cooking show)

Movie Review - Mortal Kombat

Believe it or not, there do exist video game-based movies that aren’t completely terrible. Heck some of them are actually OK. By no means is Mortal Kombat a great movie. I wouldn’t even call it good. It’s a dumb, yet entertaining and somewhat competent movie that’s somewhat faithful to the games. That’s not to say there aren’t any problems – there are plenty, but we’ll get to that.

I’m not going to compare it too much to the Mortal Kombat series since most of my knowledge comes from a few Wikipedia searches. Apart from the mediocre Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe, my history with the franchise consists of playing Mortal Kombat Trilogy and the new Mortal Kombat a few times at friends’ houses. I like the series, but I’m certainly not a fan of it. As such, I’ll be evaluating it as a movie, not as a Mortal Kombat movie. That’s enough introduction; on with the review.

Movie Review - Generation X

    Did you know that there was a live action X-Men related movie before X-Men hit the theatres in 2000? I only found out about it two weeks ago. This low-budget TV movie originally aired on FOX in 1996 and mostly features then minor characters in the X-Men universe. Is it any good? Well…

    Before I get into that, let’s talk about the movie’s background and cast. This TV movie is based off of a comic series of the same name. It started in 1994 and lasted until 2001 with 75 issues.  I haven’t read the series and probably never will, but it was fairly well received while it lasted. Most of the titles characters were depowered on M day, a major event that depowered all but 200 or so mutants in the Marvel Universe. The movie itself is about six mutant students in an institute with Banshee and Emma Frost as the headmasters. Some school if there are only six students. Anyway, the students are Jubilee, Monet, Buff, Skin, Refrax and Mondo.

Movie Review - The other Troll 3

    Wait; there are two Troll 3's? By the same director released 3 years apart? How is that fricken possible?

    Before I get into the movie itself, I have to talk about the title situation. Lots of low-budget cash-in shock movies have alternate titles. My personal guess is that the movie makers often changed titles to avoid word-of-mouth. I've reviewed a movie with alternate titles before - namely the first Troll 3. That movie had other titles such as Contamination.7, Creepers, The Crawlers, and Troll 3: Contamination Point 7. My copy is called The Crawlers.

    With this Troll 3 however, the title situation is a little out of control. It's also known as Ator 4. Yes, this is a sequel to two different franchises. What is Ator you might ask? The first two movies were cash-ins to the Conan movies in the 80's. I might touch on them in the future, but for now I'll just focus on Ator 4...or is it 3? Yeah, Troll 3 is simultaneously known as Ator 3 and Ator 4. How confusing can it get?

    The series’ creator, Joe D'Amato, likes to ignore Ator 3: The Iron Warrior, which was created by a different director. He then Created Ator 4 and called it Ator 3 in some regions. So to sum that up, the king of the cash-in accused Iron Warrior of being a cash-in. Wrap your head around that one.

    Other titles for Ator 4/Troll 3/Ator 3 include: The Hobgoblin, Quest for the Mighty Sword, Ator 4: The Hobgoblin, Ator 3: The Hobgoblin, and even Ator I'Invinsible - the same title as the original. Yeah, apparently this is also a re-make of the original. I've touched this series many times before. Heck, I even reviewed the Blu Ray for Troll 2. It's about time I touched on this one.

    This intro has gone on long enough; let’s see whether the title or the movie is the bigger mess.

TV show review - X-Men animated series (90s)

    Ah growing up in the 90's. The decade where Yo-Yos were popular. The decade when every disagreement was settled by rock, paper, scissors. The decade of the Animaniacs and Pinky and the Brain. Ninja Turtles, Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis, and some of the worst rap music in history. Excessive sports movies, really slow internet and printers that took two minutes to print a single page. OK fine, maybe not everything in the 90's was awesome, but you get my point. One thing I missed out on in the 90's was all the Superhero animated shows though.

    I recently watched through the entire 90's x-men Animated Series for the first time. As this show doesn't have any nostalgic factor to me, I feel that I can give it a fair review.

    Overall, the show is actually really good. It was also revolutionary as it was one of the first animated TV shows to have a continuing storyline throughout the first few seasons.

Movie Review - The Giant Claw

    Today I'm watching, dun dun dun, The Giant Claw! This B-monster movie released in 1957, and even then it was ridiculed for its special effects. According to Wikipedia, the lead actor first saw the movie in his hometown. He left the theatre early because he was afraid that people would recognize him...that's pretty bad. Heh, I'm looking forward to this already.

    I knew virtually nothing about this movie going in. Heck, I still know little about this movie after researching it. All I knew is that it's on numerous lists of movies that are so bad their good. Being the fan of bad movies that I am, I had to check it out, and I wasn't disappointed in the slightest.

Movie Review - Return to Oz

    Did you know that The Wizard of Oz has a sequel? Not only that, but while the original was released by MGM, Disney released Return to Oz. Oh, and they didn't get sued for it either. How is that possible?

    Both movies were based off a series of Oz books. The original series of 14 books was written by John R. Neill between 1900 and 1920. The last was released shortly after Neill died. MGM acquired the rights to The Wizard of Oz, loosely based on the original book. Also noteworthy is that MGM's Wizard of Oz wasn't even the first adaptation of the original book, others being stage adaptations, a Broadway musical and three silent films. Needless to say, this was bigger than Twilight ever will be.

    So how did Disney get away with creating this movie? Oh that's simple, they released Return to Oz the year the series became public domain, 1985. Disney did however pay MGM to use the ruby red slippers, which were created for the 1939 musical that needs no introduction.

    Anyway, Return to Oz is a hybrid of the second and third books in the series: The Marvelous Land of Oz and Ozma of Oz. It didn't perform that well originally - receiving mixed reviews and only made $11 million. Heck, Siskel and Ebert gave the movie a rather scathing review and listed it among their "Worst of 1985." It's since gained a cult following, but then again so has Troll 2. Also noteworthy, Return to Oz is not a musical. Is this movie any good though?

    Return to Oz is significantly darker than the 1939 musical. Dorothy, played by a then-young Fairuza Balk, is suffering from Oz withdrawal. Her family is worried about their daughter and they send her to a mental hospital. It's here where she is eventually transported back to the Land of Oz, but not before some rather creepy moments. There's a machine for shock therapy, a nurse that appears rather sadistic to Dorothy’s young eyes. Its way too creepy for a kid’s movie, yet this is just the appetizer.

    After Dorothy returns to oz, she finds that the yellow brick road has been destroyed, the emerald city is in ruins, and all of her friends have been turned to stone. What happened to the magical adventure of the original? What was Disney thinking? If I want to see destroyed beauty, I'll play Gears of War. This is like taking a kid's ice cream cone and covering it in crusty dry mud.

    That's Return to Oz's main problem; it's far too dark and creepy for a kid’s movie, yet way too slow and simple-minded for the average adult. It's not sure what audience it's made for. The worst scene is where a witch, played by Jean Marsh, collects the heads of different women to wear on top of her body, and wants to keep Dorothy’s head once she grows up. What follows is a rather intense scene that even got me on edge a bit, and I usually get bored while watching horror movies. This movie is simply far too intense for little kids.

(This scene will give kids nightmares)

    Another problem this movie has is that it's just slow. It's full of dull talking scenes which over explain things that you could easily figure just by looking at the screen. Scenes that should carry dramatic tension become dull. The slow, quiet soundtrack doesn't help either, only increasing in volume and tempo during the scarier scenes I mentioned earlier. It doesn't help that the movie has very little comic relief.

    That said, it's not necessarily a bad movie. Sure, it's both slow and overly dark, but the visuals are rather strong. The final act involves a creature known as the Nome King, played by Nicol Williamson. The Nome King is basically a moving rock animated by claymation as far as I can tell. It looks brilliant, and somehow both realistic and not at the same time. He bargains with Dorothy, who is trying to restore her friends, and the result is actually really cleaver.

    Dorothy doesn't have the same travelling companions this time around. Gone are the lion, the tin man, the scarecrow and her dog Todo. Instead she's travelling around with a walking clock called Tic Toc, a creature with a pumpkin for a head named Jack, some moose head, and her talking pet hen. You do see her companions from The Wizard of Oz, but save for the scarecrow (whose costume is hilariously cheap here,) none of them have speaking roles.

    It's a fascinating movie to watch if you're a fan of the original or love obscure movies like this, but not necessarily in a good way. I kind of enjoyed it, well...parts of it at least. If a darker, sometimes unsettling take on the Land of Oz If the concept interests you, or you're a fan of the original, check Return to Oz out. If not, don't bother.

Movie Review - Bloodrayne: The Third Reich

    Ah, Uwe Bowl. Do I really need to say anything else? This German director really needs no introduction - he's one of the worst directors of all time. Today I'm reviewing his newest release, Bloodrayne: The Third Reich, his third Bloodrayne movie. While the first two movies had nothing to do with the videogames they were based off of, Bloodrayne 3 has a very strong similarity to the first game - it's about a vampire killing Nazis.

    A year ago I reviewed Bloodrayne 1 and 2, and talked briefly about the video games. It's only appropriate that I review Bloodrayne 3 now that the DVD is finally available. To sum up the first two, Bloodrayne 1 is funny bad at times as it fails on every level of movie making. Bloodrayne 2, while better, is incredibly boring and slow. Which one will Bloodrayne 3 be more like? Let's find out.

Movie Review - Troll

    To celebrate the release of the final Harry Potter movie, I'm reviewing the first movie this week. Troll is...wait a minute, Troll?

    I'm actually not kidding here. Troll was released before the first Harry Potter book, and not only is the main character Harry Potter, but he's Harry Potter Jr. (his dad is Harry Potter Sr.) Oh yeah, he becomes a wizard too.

    Unlike most of my reviews, this will be a real review rather than a semi-comedic plot summary. Why? Because I should do that more often, and because there isn't as much to make fun of as most of the movies I talk about on this blog.

    I've touched on the Troll movies before. Troll 3 aka. The Crawlers was my first review on this blog, and shortly after that, I reviewed Troll 2. Troll 2 is one of the most famous bad movies out there, so much so that it still makes theatrical runs twenty years later. It had a blu-ray release before Star Wars blu-ray was even announced (I even reviewed it before Star Wars blu-ray was announced,) and more people know about Troll 2 than people know about the first one. That's saying a lot for an ultra-low budget movie that has nothing to do about the original.

    As for Troll itself, it's not nearly as funny as the original, but it's not nearly as bad either. In fact, some things actually work about this movie. Sure, it's very silly and strange, but it might actually be worth checking out.

    The premise is that some ancient evil Troll creature called Torok is transforming a small apartment building into a magical realm. Why? To take over the world of course. An ancient witch, who used to be Torok's lover, and Harry Jr. are the only ones in Torok's way. It's a neat concept; it's just too silly and lighthearted to work.

    The movie's biggest problem is that there's a total lack of build up. The first thing Torok does is kidnap Harry's little sister and transforms his body into her shape. That's not a spoiler because it happens 2 minutes into the movie. Torok acts crazy while looking like Harry's sister. If we saw how the girl acted before she was kidnapped, this could have been really neat. Instead we have no idea how Torok acts different from the "pain in the @**" that Harry describes her as. The movie also has the stereotypical jerk character, but he's killed off 20 minutes in. Some big creature is shown off camera at one point, and less than three minutes later, he's shown. As silly as the movie is, it still would have been much better if it had more build up.

    The movie's silly nature kind of works. Sure, the movie is impossible to take seriously because of the silliness, but it still kind of works. It's hard to explain, but the movie has a certain charm to it that modern cinema lacks. Movies these days take themselves too seriously and often forget that they usually aren't supposed to mirror real life, so it's refreshing to see a movie that makes fun of itself every now and then.

    As for the Harry Potter resemblance, the further I got in the movie, the more I was convinced that it actually inspired the series on some level. The movie has a mystical realm within our real world, with a constant struggle between the good and evil witches and troll creatures. Sure, the Harry Potter franchise has little to do with this movie on the surface, but Troll has the same kind of feel as the earlier Harry Potter movies. It's hard to explain, but if you watch this movie you'll know what I'm talking about.

    Would I recommend it? Hard to say; if you can enjoy a silly flick that's not necessarily good, but lighthearted and occasionally funny, you might like this. It's not good by any measurement, but it might interest Harry Potter fans. It's also fascinating to me because Troll 2 is one of my favorite bad movies and I wanted to see how little it had to do with the original. So in short, if you like Troll 2 or you're a die-hard fan of Harry Potter, Troll might be worth checking out. However if you can't stand mediocre movies overridden with silliness, it's probably better to avoid.

Movie Review - Hobgoblins 2

    How could Hobgoblins possibly have a sequel? Wait, who am I kidding? Troll has three sequels. Wait...there's another Troll movie? I'll get to that eventually, but the fact is, plenty of bad movies have sequels and remakes. Heck, there's a movie that's literally called Violent S#!t (1989,) and it has three sequels (the fourth released last year.)

    I recently found out about Hobgoblins 2's existence. There aren't too many reviews for this one around, so I figured I'd take a shot. I still wanted to see the first Hobgoblins first though, and it was well worth it. Will Hobgoblins 2 entertain the same way? Let's find out.

    THEY SENT A CAR ACCIDENT VICTIM TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL! What else do I need to tell you? OK I'm getting slightly ahead of myself, sorry. Some company named Halfway 2 Sanity pictures was behind the movie, but I can't find anything about the company on Google - and we all know that's always a good sign.

Movie Review - Hobgoblins

    Ah, Hobgoblins. I've been planning a while to review this one. It's supposedly similar to Troll 2 as it's a hilariously bad horror movie that isn't even close to scary. Originally released in 1988, the movie stars a bunch of no-name actors that have hardly shown up in anything since. Yup, sounds like Troll 2 to me, but is it as good/bad?

    The movie starts with a grainy outdoors shot of an old security guard walking beside his workplace. He heads toward a teenaged security guard sitting at the building's gate and listening to music. The older guard starts telling the teen off for listening to music when he should be working. The phone suddenly rings, but when the old man picks it up, he gets nothing.

    "Didn't you hear the phone ringing?" the older guard asks

    "No I didn't," the younger guard replies. Of course you didn't, it wasn't even ringing. Great way to start the movie off, by showing us how poor the sound editing is.

    Eventually, they start their rounds. They walk through what seems to be an abandoned building and into the vault area. The old man starts telling the teen about how the building used to be a great studio of some kind. He also tells the teen not to wander into the vault. The old man leaves to talk with their boss, and guess what the teen does...he goes straight for the vault. So utterly predictable.

    The boss seems like the stereotypical dick boss taken to the extreme, berating the older security guard for taking a while to get to his office, despite it only taking 20 seconds of movie time. He then complains that nobody answered the phone earlier. OK you douche-bag, if both of you had a 2-way radio, why bother with the phone if the guards can't always be at the gate?

    Cut back to the teen, who's now opening the vault and walking in, complete with sinister music. He hears some sort of non-human growling and asks,

    "Is somebody there?"

    Cut back to the other two in the office. The older guard hears static on his radio and barges out, looking mildly concerned. The acting is more wooden than an 30-year-old skid.

Movie Review - Hero Retreat

    This week's review is going to be a bit different, because not only did a friend of mine make it, but it will likely never see a commercial release. My friend, who wants to get into filmmaking, gave me permission to review this here. He probably shouldn't have though, because I enjoy nothing more than destroying the hopes and dreams of my friends (partial Cinema Snob quote there.)

    In all seriousness though, I'm pretty sure this was just a high school student project. Was I entertained by it? Sure, but I doubt anyone who doesn't know those involved will feel the same. Enough about my friend here though, let's talk about Hero Retreat.

Movie Review - Catwoman

    I know it's a bit late, but I'm doing this review partly because Ann Hathaway is portraying Catwoman in the upcoming The Dark Knight Returns. Why not celebrate that by reviewing what might actually be the worst Batman related movie ever.

(Hathaway's promo shot as Catwoman)

    Before I get started, let me say that I know little about Catwoman. All my information on Catwoman comes from the Adam West Batman movie, Batman Returns, Lego Batman, and the little information I've gained from Linkara's comic reviews. As you would imagine, I don't exactly trust sources like Lego Batman and the Adam West series for what the characters are like in the comics. Anyway, let's get this over with.

Movie Review - Turks in Space

    Well, I'm back. And what better way to return to this blog by reviewing Turks In Space, a movie I've planned on reviewing for a long time. I'm having trouble saving pictures right now, so I'll upload them when my computer is working better.

    Turks in Space is a Turkish science fiction action/comedy. However that's not the proper translation of the Turkish title. In fact, the Turkish title translates to "Son of the man who saved the world." Wait what? What kind of stupid title is that? Who cares about the son of the man who saves the world, why not just call it "The man who saved the world."

    Oh, that's why, there's already a movie called "The man who saved the world." I get it, it's a sequel. Does the original have a more common title? Why yes, it's Turkish Star Wars. Wait...I'm reviewing the official sequel to Turkish Star Wars? The bad movie I found more painful than Garbage Pail Kids? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

    Yeah, I already knew about this movie before I reviewed Turkish Star Wars, but I haven't reviewed this one until now for a good reason - this movie scares me. In fact, of all the bad movies I plan on reviewing, there is only one that scares me more than this one - I'll get to it eventually, but I'm not telling what it is yet. While Turkish Star Wars was painful enough, at least it was trying to be serious. It was fascinatingly bad, and in small parts it can be very entertaining. The plot was pretty simple, even if it was confusing. This movie is trying to spoof movies like Star Wars. Yes, a foreign ripoff/spoof of a movie that's over 30-years-old now.

Movie Review - Bride of the Monster

    Hey kids, you know what time it is? It's Ed Wood time!

    Ed Wood is the world's most well known bad movie director. I'm just going to dive straight into this movie - if you want an introduction to Ed Wood, read my Plan 9 From Outer Space and Glen or Glenda reviews.

    Bela Lugosi stars as the mad scientist Dr. Eric Vornoff - the main bad guy. Bride of the Monster is also the first Ed Wood movie with Tor Johnson in it. Tor Johnson is the wrestler that played the giant zombie in Plan 9 from Outer Space, and primarily attacked people by slapping them in the shoulders. His role here is pretty similar here as Bela Lagosi's lab slave named Lobo. You'd think a wrestler would know other ways to take people down without hurting them, but whatever.

Movie Review - Supergirl

    What? They made a movie about Supergirl? Seriously?

    Those of you who don't read comics might be wondering, who is Supergirl? Many people might think that Superman is the lone survivor of a planet called Krypton - a planet that no longer exists. However he isn't the only survivor. Some of the survivors are his enemies, one survivor was a dog-like superhero, and another is one version of Supergirl. What? There's more than one Supergirl? Yes, but that's not what I'm talking about here.

    Supergirl is about, well...Supergirl - Superman's Kryptonian cousin named Kara Zor-El. Supergirl is portrayed by then newcomer Helen Slater, and admittedly she does a fairly decent job. The movie released in 1984, one year after Superman 3. While they wanted him to appear, Christopher Reeve didn't want anything to do with any Superman movies at the time so he didn't even make a cameo. It's a long story, but he was upset about the way Superman 3 was handled. I don't blame him, and I'll probably get to that in the future, but this review is about Supergirl and it's about time to begin.

Movie Review - North part 2

    North is a terrible movie with a nonsense plot, incredibly insulting stereotypes, jokes that fail harder than the flat earth society, and contains so much stupid that I had to cut this review in half due to time constraints. With that said, let's kick off round 2! For part 1, click here.

    Where did we leave off? Oh right, North travels North to Alaska.

    Graham Greene is North's Alaskan parent, and we see him opening his igloo's machine door with a garage door opener. He is a Native American though, so playing him as an Alaskan isn't racially insensitive. At least they didn't cast a European descendant like Kathy Bates as North's Alaskan mother...sorry, they did - spoke too soon!

    Anyway, this family seems nice enough so far. North is sitting inside an igloo with Greene and Bates. Greene opens a hole in the floor to reveal that he can go ice fishing inside his own home. As luxurious as that sounds, that ice is way too thin to possibly support the weight of the furniture in this house. Who says movies have to obey the laws of physics?

    Greene starts whistling some tune that sounds familiar, but I honestly couldn't tell you what it's called. North and his Alaskan mother soon join in and everyone starts tapping their feet. What's the point of this? Nothing is being said, their all just whistling and tapping their feet. Also the entire floor moves when they tap their feet, furthering my argument that this ice is way too thin to possibly support their weight.

Movie Review - North part 1

    I’m taking a break from all the older, more obscure movies I’ve been reviewing lately and I’m reviewing something more recent and mainstream, a movie called North, released in 1994.

    North was directed by Rob Reiner. Reiner is a well known director for such movies as “When Harry Met Sally”, “A Few Good Men”, “The Princess Bride”, and “Stand By Me”. All of those movies were well received and Reiner is a fully capable director. Sure, he’ll mess up every now and then like with “Rumor Has It…”, but North can’t be one of his bad movies, right?

    North stars Elijah Wood at the age of 13, and he was a good actor back then (had a major role in the movie “Avalon”, which received numerous Academy Award nominations.) He’s still a good actor, but that’s beside the point. North also features Bruce Willis, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Dan Aykroyd, Jon Lovitz, and an appearance from a young Scarlett Johansson. With all that star power surely this movie should be good right? Right?