Wednesday, April 7

The Easter Bunny is a Scientific Experiment from an Evil Mastermind

    You read the title right, the Easter Bunny is nothing but a science experiment, but a rather dangerous one. You see, he was designed to help this unknown mastermind to take over the world. I have seen the evidence with my eyes - the truth must be heard. Here are the 5 reasons/proofs that the Easter Bunny is an experiment.

5. He's a giant bunny! - Seriously, what bunny is big enough to carry all that Easter candy every year? The world record for the biggest rabbit is about 4 feet long and weighing 49 pounds, and while that's still pretty big, it's nothing compared to a bunny whose able to carry Easter candy for MILLIONS OF CHILDREN IN A SINGLE NIGHT! What kind of genetic experimentation or growth formulas are needed to make a bunny that large? And why aren't the results of these experiments available to the general public? I'll tell you why - the mastermind behind these experiments wants to take over the world. To take over the world, you need some sort of advantage, and by handing these kinds of results over, you lose that advantage. Therefore, somebody is trying to take over the world.

4. He's a smart bunny! - No offense to anyone who has a pet rabbit, but rabbits are stupid. You can't train a bunny to take loads of chocolate and put them into houses. Any normal bunny would either try to eat the candy or just leave it alone. Likewise to the bunny requiring a larger, stronger body to carry the candy, you need the bunny to be smarter too. The Easter Bunny not only has to know where to put each basket, but must somehow break into millions of homes without being caught in a single night. This is Santa Clause level training here; how do you train a rabbit like that? The only explanation is that somehow this elusive mastermind genetically modified these bunnies to have the cranial capacity of the entire country of Japan. Either that or he's invented a device that can directly copy knowledge and skills into an animal's brain. Only an evil mastermind bent on taking over the world can come up with this crap.

3. The candy is drugged. - I'm going to shift focus for a minute. The Easter candy you get from the bunny is drugged. It is specifically designed to be addictive. "But why would someone drug Easter candy?" Thanks for asking Mr. Italic. The answer is quite simple - control. The mastermind has come up with a formula that slowly takes over your mind. You don't even notice the difference yet because the drug still requires a certain trigger. I have yet to discover what this trigger is, but I'm sure he's thought of a way to release it to everyone in the world simultaneously. When he does, all will be under his full control. This drug is also addictive, which must explain why I like those Cadbury Cream Eggs so much.

2. There must be more than one. - This would explain why the bunnies can cover so many houses around the world in one night. "But what's so practical about having many Easter Bunnies?" Well Mr. Italic, the answer is simple...the mastermind is creating an army. I mean, you have an army of wicked smart bunnies that are probably larger than your car. I don't know about you, but the idea of being invaded by this kind of fighting force is just...terrifying. "But where would he get the resources to get these many bunnies?" Because he's a mastermind! This mastermind most likely owns Cadbury, or is otherwise stealing half of their Cream Egg profits. "And if there's so many of them, how come nobody's ever seen one?" That question leads to my last point.

1. The bunnies are using stealth technology. - You might have heard that the military is close to perfecting a stealth suit. This suit would offer any soldier partial invisibility in a combat situation. But how are they obtaining this technology. Like you said earlier, the mastermind has to make his money somehow. He's simply giving them an obsolete form of his own stealth technology. His bunnies aren't only partially invisible - they're completely invisible. Not only that though, because somehow these bunnies have to cover their footprints. To do that, they use hover technology. That's right, their both invisible and hovering above the ground. That's why nobody's ever seen an Easter Bunny, because their flying invisible break-in experts.

    So let me sum this all up. The Easter Bunnies are an army of genetically modified giant rabbits using stealth technology to sneak into houses. They do this to hand out drugged candy designed to control everybody's mind. I can't think of a faster way to take over the world. The biggest problem is that not only has nobody caught one of these bunnies, but nobody knows who their boss is. The truth must be known; this evil mastermind must be found. We only have so much time before the world is taken over by bunnies.

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