Tuesday, April 20

Movie Review - Cool as Ice

     Well now, what can I say about this one? Well, um...it stars Vanilla Ice. The whole point of this movie is to try to make Vanilla Ice look cool...it fails. I have no idea how I could make this movie look good, so I'm not going to try.

     For those of you who don't know who Vanilla Ice is, well, he's a rapper. He was most popular in the early 90's, and is most known for his song "Ice Ice Baby". While most people consider him a joke now, he really helped bring the general hip-hop genre into mainstream popularity. When it comes to his style, at least back then, it doesn't get much whiter.

     I suppose the best way to introduce him is to show you "Ice Ice Baby", so here's a link.


     Yeah...that was popular in the 90's. And now for the movie.

     I'm still at a lack of words to properly describe this mess. It's more half-music video and half-commercial than anything else. The majority of the movie is either Ice rapping, or riding a bike and posing while music's playing in the background. Is it cool? No. Is it entertaining, well...not intentionally. I kept thinking of different things they could be advertising: anti-depressants, cologne, some allergy drug...some lame dating service.

     When the movie is neither commercial or music video though, it's just silly. One of the funniest, but nonsensical moments, was a blatant Top Gun rip-off, where Ice rides a motorcycle beside some girl riding a horse.

     Even though there's no evidence of a ramp, Ice jumps his motorcycle over the fence. This scares the horse which knocks the girl down. She insults him, they argue a bit, and somehow Ice comes to the conclusion that she likes him. I had no idea that scaring a horse with a motorcycle then blaming the rider could be so attractive. Maybe I should try that. [tries it and get's punched in the face] Oh, maybe not.

     So one of Ice's buddies' bike dies, and they have to drag it through town to find a repair shop. The trees in this town look like something out of a Dr Seuss movie. They find a "repair man", who needs to look at a manual and learn as he goes as the gang stays in the weirdest house I've ever heard of...you have to see it to believe it.

     Ice finds out that the horse girl from earlier lives nearby, so he goes to talk to her. We also learn that she has a boyfriend. They talk on the porch for a bit about going to different colleges, when...


     In case you can't watch the clip, Vanilla Ice actually says "Drop that zero and get with the hero," pointing to himself. This movie really has no shame.

     There's one scene in some club called "The sugar shack", where a terrible band is playing. The singer can't sing, the band is way out of sync, and you hear tons of feedback. I'm pretty sure they were trying to make Vanilla Ice look good, but when the band is that bad you just look desperate. Still, the scene is pretty funny. Ice and his gang take over, and we hear the whitest rap song ever...of all time.

     The next morning, Ice wakes up the girl with ice. The scene is supposed to be charming, but it's way too uncomfortable for that. Then we get a long "love" scene at a construction site, because we all know how romantic construction sites are. I quoted the word love because it's a few nonsense conversations mixed with frolicking around a half-built house.

     The only real plot this movie has is that the girl's father used to be a cop, but did something illegal with a few other bad cops. They never explain what it is, but he admitted the whole thing. The bad guys are two of the other cops, and they want money. They eventually kidnap the girl's brother. Vanilla Ice and his gang save the day, the girl ends up with Vanilla Ice, and we have a happy ending.

     To be honest, I really don't know what else to say. The movie's rated PG, but it often begs for a higher rating. More than anything else, this movie makes me wish I could do a video review, but with my current equipment I get horrible video and sound quality. To sum it up, it's a bad movie, but I couldn't stop laughing. I'll just end it with my regular two word review.

Extremely White.

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