Saturday, May 8

Why trees are evil

    In the past, I've how the Easter Bunny is an experiment from an evil mastermind whose trying to take over the world. Now I have a further warning. Trees are evil and are trying to enslave the human race. I mean think about it. Surely there are already more trees than human beings on this planet. They're also taller, they live much longer, and their roots get tangled up around underground pipes all over. But rather than simply talking about their evilness, I should probably prove it. Here are seven reasons why Trees are evil and trying to enslave us all.

1. They're brainwashing us into planting more trees - Seriously, don't you think they outnumber us enough already? Not content with outnumbering us in the country, they want to outnumber us in the city too. You see it in schools, you see it in parks, and you even see it in gardens. Surely you must see the influence these trees have on our minds. All this global warming stuff we keep hearing about, and all the pollution...all lies told to us by the trees just so that we plant more of them.

2. They keep stealing our frisbees - I have lost count of the number of sports equipment that I've seen lost in trees over the years. Worse yet, it's always the pine trees that steal the sports equipment - the ones that poke you with thousands of pointy objects when you try to climb them. They only do this for one single puropse...to make us suffer.

3. They're a resource hog - Trees love using up resources. More specifically, all the water from the ground. That is our water - we are entitled to it. What gives the trees the right to steal our water? They also steal our carbon dioxide - even sucking it right out of our lungs. Carbon dioxide is a valuable resource, yet the trees are hogging it all to themselves. The resource they're stealing the most however, is sunlight. They grow so tall that nothing else can receive any light. I mean...come on! We need our tans, and you're starving the grass. We've been researching and developing solar power for years, and yet somehow the trees have perfected it thousands of years ago now.

4. They're slowly taking over the city - All you have to do is walk down a street, any street, and you'll see at least one tree in front of pretty much every house. Some houses even have three or four trees on their front yard. You'll also see them around smaller office buildings, walking downtown, and even around the churches. Yes, even God's people are surrounded by trees. Worse yet, if you go to the park, you'll find that the trees have total domination of the local territory. They cover everything in their shade, stealing sunlight, and brainwashing us to plant even more.

5. They break our bones - Picture this: an innocent seven year old having fun climbing a tree. Suddenly, a branch snaps! He falls to the ground and breaks his arm. Oh, but that branch didn't just break...the tree let it break. That's right, the trees love to injure us with every opportunity we give them. Swinging off a branch - Snap! Now your ankle's twisted. having fun on a tire swing - the tree cuts the rope and you can't sit for days. Those evil trees are always out to get us.

Now things are getting serious, so listen up!

6. They cause cars to crash into them - Trees have discovered some sort of car magnet. That's right, they love reeling in cars to cause massive damage. "But don't the trees get hurt by the cars too?" You might ask. Well, this is simply an excuse to get people planting a new tree. Once you start planting trees, you're addicted. This is a rather deceptive way of brainwashing tree planters. It also hurts people and kills the grass the driver drove over, showing us the tree's murderous intent.

7. Trees often fall into expensive stuff - My grandpa's car was once smashed by a tree branch. The branch just "fell" onto the car and totaled it. This kind of crap happens all the time. Trees crash into cars, houses, telephone and power lines, and even onto roads. All it takes is a second or two of the tree's time, but it takes hours, or even days to fix it ourselves. All this time we spend brainwashed into planting this tree, taking care of it, trimming it, and it thanks us by destroying our expensive property and blocking traffic - jerks!

And finally,

8. They capture people, chain them up, and use them as hostages - People chained to trees are often referred to as tree huggers. They claim to be environmentalists protecting forests and the like. In reality, they are captives, tortured mercilessly until they agree to shout "Save the trees!" They are using human hostages to look like victims, and somehow we're all buying this.

    One might argue, "But what about all this deforestation and lumberjacks chopping down forests?" Well, these guys have realized the truth. They know how dangerous these trees really are. They are the true protectors of the human race. Trees are evil, and deforestation is humanity's only chance. Then again, there are two sides to every battle...maybe the trees see us the same way. Oh crap! A tree just hit my car - never mind, cut them all down.


Disclaimer: This post is nothing but a joke, I'm sure trees are all pretty cool guys, and I don't even have a car for a tree to hit. Forests are awesome and sometimes awe-inspiring to look at. Also, I always enjoyed climbing trees as a kid and I never hurt myself doing so.

5 comments:

  1. omg,that's what i thougt too...
    #Keep Calm and Hate Trees

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  2. And they release oxygen. That is the true evil, designed to keep us down from the one true gas of nitrogen!

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  3. I... do not know what to say about this because it does not make sense

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