Why Super Mario is Evil

A while back, I posted here about how the Easter Bunny is a scientific experiment from an evil mastermind. Last month, I also explained how trees are evil. Now it's time to reveal the biggest shocker yet, Mario is evil. Yup, Nintendo's "family friendly" mascot is not the kind plumber we all thought he was.

    Super Mario Bros is undeniably one of the most famous games in existence. If it weren't for the Famicon/NES and Super Mario, we wouldn't be playing games today. That's right...Nintendo brought us out of the second game market crash. If you haven't played this game, even for a minute or so...you are not a true gamer. These days, it's hard to go to any store that sells games and not see at least one game about Mario or a picture (unless it's the Sony store or the newly opened Microsoft store.) Well, this note is not about how awesome the series is...it's fun, but it's also pure evil.

     Let's start with the original game. What's one of Mario's most famous gameplay elements? Jumping on goombas and turtles (called Koopas in the Mario universe.) This means that Mario is a serial animal killer and should be shot for his unmeasurable animal cruelty. Here he is stealing shells from turtles and throwing them at every living thing in sight. No wonder there are so many ghosts in later mario games; they're all ghosts of the millions of goombas and turtles he's massacred over the years. Sure, one may argue that it would suck being a goomba, being nothing but a head and feet. One may argue that he's doing them a favor by putting them down...but by crushing them under his feet? That's madness.

     And then there's the drug references. Eating a mushroom makes him bigger and more powerful. I know mushrooms can do interesting things, but what kind of mushroom makes you bigger? Are there steroids in these mushrooms? Is he just hallucinating that he's big? What's going on here? Oh, and don't get me started on the green mushrooms that gain you extra lives. Either way, Mario and his creators are trying to show that shrooms' are good for you, which makes the game series an advertising tool for drug dealers. Also, consuming flowers lets him throw fire. That must be some spicy flower if it allows him to throw fire. Only someone possessed by a demon could survive something that hot.

     Another thing about these mushrooms. For those who have played the Mario games, how many mushroom fields have you seen? Where exactly do these mushrooms come from? To be honest, the only mushrooms I see are the Toads. For those who don't know who the toads are, they are these little guys in the Mario universe that usually have annoying voices and tell you that "the princess is in another castle." So if these are the only mushrooms around, then we can only come to one conclusion. He is killing these "toads", cutting their heads off, and eating them. This is one sick dude here, eating people's heads to become more powerful.

     Mario claims himself to be a plumber, but apart from the "Super Mario Bros." movie, we never see him do any plumbing. Therefore, we can conclude that he is a scam artist...you hire him to do your plumbing, only to come home to see that all your mushrooms and flowers are missing. If you had a turtle, he's dead now. He uses his plumber title to feed his turtle killing/mushroom eating addiction.

     Now that I've firmly established Mario as evil, let's talk about Bowser...his arch nemesis. Bowser is a giant turtle with spikes on his back. In nearly every game, he kidnaps the princess and tries to marry him. That's what the games tell you, but in reality he is saving her from this mushroom addicted turtle killer. They are rightfully engaged, and Mario keeps coming in to take her away again right before the wedding date. In addition to this, Mario keeps killing Bowser's kids. No wonder Bowser wants Mario dead.

     So now that we've talked about his mushroom addiction, his turtle killing, his plumbing scam, and his wife stealing, there's only one thing left to discuss...his satanism. Now I'm going to borrow a bit from the Angry Video Game Nerd here. Super Mario Bros 3, one of the most famous games of all time, is a product of the devil. Everywhere you look, the game is full of 6's. There's also upside-down crosses hidden in the pipes throughout the game. Worst of all, the final world takes place in a world of fire, lava, and darkness. What other place do we know of that contains those three elements...Hell. Like I loosely mentioned earlier, Mario must be possessed by a demon in order to survive a flower hot enough for him to throw fire. Therefore, Mario is either possessed by a demon, or he is a demon in disguise.

     The evidence has been presented, the proof is in the writing, and the warning has been stated. Mario is evil. The games are good, but you must take extreme caution before playing them.

Disclaimer: I do not actually think Mario is evil, it's just so easy to make him appear so.