Wacky Wardrobe

I did a somewhat funny story this week for my school newspaper, so I thought I might as well share it.

The school paper's website is right here

Pictures of FIRE!!!

I've been really busy in school lately, and I haven't had much time to watch any movies. So as a filler post, I'm giving you pictures of a campfire that I took during the summer. Why? Because fire is cool; why not?

The War Hero

I haven't had much time to work on a review this week, so here's a poem I wrote for my Creative Writing courses. Hope you enjoy.

I was a war hero once,

I fought many battles.

I survived ambushes,

And took many lives.

The enemy feared me,

They fled for their lives,

They cowered behind cover,

Only to delay their fall.

My allies loved him,

My leaders respected him,

Yet I didn’t care,

I just wanted to win.

My objective was clear,

“Take out their leader”,

I was to go in alone,

One shot to finish the war.

I jumped from the plain,

Into enemy territory,

Landed perfectly,

And prepared my weapons.

I scanned the area,

No patrol units around,

I headed toward their camp,

Where my target was.

Finally a patrol jeep,

Seven soldiers in the back,

I hid in the bushes,

As they approached my trap.

I charged the patrol

Shooting to and fro,

Crushing the enemy

And very easily so.

I leapt forward,

Guns in each hand,

Firing away,

My enemies slain.

I took the jeep,

Used it for my own,

Drove closer to the camp,

And stopped on a hill above.

I moved to their camp

Their general in sight,

But before I could fire,

I was attacked from behind.

The enemy surrounded me,

But I didn't surrender,

I basted my way through,

And fled to the hills.

The enemy pursued,

I waited for them.

When they reached my sight,

I mowed them all down.

I collected their ammo,

Having used all my own,

Reloaded my weapons,

And moved back to the camp.

The path was easier now,

Fewer enemies this time,

But before I reached the general,

I received a shot from behind.

I turned around startled,

And there they were,

The enemy’s Special Forces,

Who shot me down.

I shouted in anger,

Threw up my arms,

Turned off the PlayStation,

“This mission’s too hard!

“I’ve tried that mission,

Seventeen times,

I just can’t do it.”

And then downed some beer.

I was a war hero once,

Within my favourite game.

It got too hard in the end,

I still haven’t won.

Destructoid's review of the new PS3 firmware update.

This is hilarious, read it!

http://www.destructoid.com/review-firmware-update-3-61-201186.phtml

Why Santa Clause is Evil

The truth must be known, the people must be warned; Santa Clause wants to take over the world. Don't be fooled by all those nice stories about him, don't let all those nice songs about him convince you otherwise. Santa Clause is evil. I have witnessed his despicable ways with my own eyes and barely escaped his elf hit-squads. To prove this shocking truth, I will list a number of reasons why he is evil - like I did with trees and Super Mario.

10. Santa Clause is a pedophile. He spies on children from his high-tech base hidden deep under the ice at the north pole. He has the largest satellite network known to man and he uses them to watch everyone, including you. How else does he know when you're sleeping and when you're awake? Heck, he probably even has the technology to see you in your nightmares. The next point only adds to this.

9. Santa Clause tries to lure children into his worldwide cult with presents and cute movies. It's true, he gives all these presents out in order so that people will believe in him and his magic. His hope is to lure the children in so that they grow up believing in him, and thus creating the largest religion on earth. This is part of his plan to take over the world.

8. He enslaves people and calls them elves. The story generally goes that he has workshops filled with elves happily building toys for kids. However, the truth is one of the most horrifying examples of forced slavery in all of history. He enslaves children and little people, forcing them to make toys nonstop with barely enough food to survive. This also keeps them small. In order to convince investigators that these are elves, they are forced to undergo ear alteration surgery and sing songs constantly. This causes them to lose their minds, and that is why they appear to be happy; they're all completely insane due to the constant trauma. Many of these little people are newcomers to his worldwide cult.

The bat and the dog

Remember the bat in the hat?
The scat loving Matt and his rat?
Well after a break Matt is now back,
And his friend the dog from the bog.

There once was a dog from a bog,
He lived in a log, that poor dog.
What kind of a dog lives in bogs?
The name of that dog was just...dog.

The dog from the bog had a hog,
The hog disliked Matt, that drat bat.
Matt the bat's drat cat and his rat
wanted to eat dog's little hog.

As a result, Matt in the hat
sent his stupid cat to his mat.
He then fed his rat to the cat,
And said "Good news Dog, I saved hog!"

Matt the bat ate scat from his vat.
Dog the dog ate frogs from his bog.
Dog often gave Matt a nice pat.
Then Matt and the dog would play pogs.

One day the bat Matt felt so fat,
So dog made the bat a new hat.
The next day, the bog had some smog,
So Matt gave the dog a new log.

Since then, they've been Matt and friend dog
One lives in a bog that has smog
Matt doesn't care though, Matt is a bat.
this poem is stupid, I'm going to work on my next review now.

Defamation Skit

Click To Play

    I made this video for a Journalism Law and Ethics presentation in one of my classes. Since I haven't had the time to watch a bad movie this week, I'm posting this video instead. Enjoy.

Awesome Halo: Reach pics

School's been really busy lately, so I probably won't have a review up this week. Instead, enjoy all these Halo: Reach pics I found on www.bungie.net from various players. I'll credit the original posters by name (well, the people who posted the pics I found anyway.) Let's start off with the plain awesome pics.

SKELATOR!
WAWA H2O

Rocket Propelled Pylon, or RPP for short.

Ts White Dragon

No, Thank You - My Uncle's Blog

    My uncle started a blog a while back about failures in the English language.

"I'm a retired ad writer who now devotes a great deal of time to making photographic pictures and worrying about the English language and what we're doing with it."

    It's actually quite entertaining for those who try to write with good grammar or just like to read about professional journalists failing at life. Hm, I should be careful after I become a journalist or I might be his next target. Either way, you should check it out here.

    Also, I have tomorrow off school, so I will finally have the time to watch another movie to review. I haven't quite decided what to watch yet, but it will most likely be a failed comedy - a genre I haven't really touched on yet.

    Also, if you have an Xbox, PS3, or PC that's connected to the internet and haven't tried the new Tomb Raider game, download the demo now - it's actually a really good game. Just finished it last night and I'm 100% satisfied with my purchase.

Beer is Like Coffee

Beer is like coffee, and wine is like tea in the same way. Before you think I’m crazy, let me explain. Both coffee and beer are brewed. They also both contain a potentially addictive substance; coffee has caffeine to keep you awake while beer has alcohol, which, um…is more likely to put you to sleep. However, I’m focusing more on the social aspect of the two. They both have a reputation of being a social drink. Have a coffee with someone in the morning in a coffee shop, or relax and watch sports with a bottle of beer. They are both the basic kind of drink…of their kind. I don’t know much about the history of either, but unless I’m mistaking, they’ve both been around for a long time. Therefore; beer is like coffee.

Just like beer is like coffee, wine is like tea. Like the previous two, these two drinks are generally a social thing. However, both wine and tea are generally considered more sophisticated than beer and coffee, at least in some parts of the world. It is also true that red wine and green tea have some very real health benefits. Therefore; wine is like tea.

Beer, Wine, Coffee, and Tea all have another thing in common. You can get them without the substance they are known to contain. You can easily get decaffeinated coffee or tea, just as you can easily get de-alcoholised beer and wine.

So, now I’ve shown how beer and wine are like coffee and tea respectively, but what about other alcoholic/caffeinated drinks? Well…pop is like mixed drinks. They are both considered as party drinks for one thing. They are generally aimed toward having a sweeter taste than any of the previous four drink types mentioned. You can also easily get these drinks without their alcohol/caffeine. In fact, pop and premixed drinks are so alike, that they are sometimes even the same drink. Again, I don’t know the history, but I’m pretty sure that pop and the liquor put into mixed drinks are much more recent than the previous four mentioned. Therefore; pop is like mixed drinks.

So you may ask, if beer is like coffee, wine is like tea, and mixed drinks are like pop, then what is like the energy drink? Straight liquor just happens to be my answer. Both are somewhat known as a party drink as well, however they are simply HARDCORE! Nothing will give you the effect of the substance quicker and crash you down harder after then a bunch of straight shots of liquor and some energy drinks. Again, I don’t know the exact history, but I’m pretty sure that energy drinks are the most recent. Therefore, straight liquor is like energy drinks.

Beer is like coffee, wine is like tea, mixed drinks are like pop, and liquor is like energy drinks. What scares me is that there is still one more alcohol category that has no caffeinated equal (that I know of)…grain alcohol (usually 70 – 95% alcoholic content, compared to liquor usually being around 40%) Here comes the pure caffeine bar!

Donkey Kong Country Returns poem

Yeah, I know it's mediocre, but I felt like posting it here anyway.

Donkey Kong, Donkey Kong,
when will you return?
Your last real game was DK64,
And even then, I felt a burn.

How awesome were your classics?
Donkey Kong Country and the arcade
You need to return to your basics,
Like Rare last had you made.

Why Super Mario is Evil

A while back, I posted here about how the Easter Bunny is a scientific experiment from an evil mastermind. Last month, I also explained how trees are evil. Now it's time to reveal the biggest shocker yet, Mario is evil. Yup, Nintendo's "family friendly" mascot is not the kind plumber we all thought he was.

    Super Mario Bros is undeniably one of the most famous games in existence. If it weren't for the Famicon/NES and Super Mario, we wouldn't be playing games today. That's right...Nintendo brought us out of the second game market crash. If you haven't played this game, even for a minute or so...you are not a true gamer. These days, it's hard to go to any store that sells games and not see at least one game about Mario or a picture (unless it's the Sony store or the newly opened Microsoft store.) Well, this note is not about how awesome the series is...it's fun, but it's also pure evil.

     Let's start with the original game. What's one of Mario's most famous gameplay elements? Jumping on goombas and turtles (called Koopas in the Mario universe.) This means that Mario is a serial animal killer and should be shot for his unmeasurable animal cruelty. Here he is stealing shells from turtles and throwing them at every living thing in sight. No wonder there are so many ghosts in later mario games; they're all ghosts of the millions of goombas and turtles he's massacred over the years. Sure, one may argue that it would suck being a goomba, being nothing but a head and feet. One may argue that he's doing them a favor by putting them down...but by crushing them under his feet? That's madness.

Why trees are evil

    In the past, I've how the Easter Bunny is an experiment from an evil mastermind whose trying to take over the world. Now I have a further warning. Trees are evil and are trying to enslave the human race. I mean think about it. Surely there are already more trees than human beings on this planet. They're also taller, they live much longer, and their roots get tangled up around underground pipes all over. But rather than simply talking about their evilness, I should probably prove it. Here are seven reasons why Trees are evil and trying to enslave us all.

1. They're brainwashing us into planting more trees - Seriously, don't you think they outnumber us enough already? Not content with outnumbering us in the country, they want to outnumber us in the city too. You see it in schools, you see it in parks, and you even see it in gardens. Surely you must see the influence these trees have on our minds. All this global warming stuff we keep hearing about, and all the pollution...all lies told to us by the trees just so that we plant more of them.

2. They keep stealing our frisbees - I have lost count of the number of sports equipment that I've seen lost in trees over the years. Worse yet, it's always the pine trees that steal the sports equipment - the ones that poke you with thousands of pointy objects when you try to climb them. They only do this for one single puropse...to make us suffer.

The Easter Bunny is a Scientific Experiment from an Evil Mastermind

    You read the title right, the Easter Bunny is nothing but a science experiment, but a rather dangerous one. You see, he was designed to help this unknown mastermind to take over the world. I have seen the evidence with my eyes - the truth must be heard. Here are the 5 reasons/proofs that the Easter Bunny is an experiment.

5. He's a giant bunny! - Seriously, what bunny is big enough to carry all that Easter candy every year? The world record for the biggest rabbit is about 4 feet long and weighing 49 pounds, and while that's still pretty big, it's nothing compared to a bunny whose able to carry Easter candy for MILLIONS OF CHILDREN IN A SINGLE NIGHT! What kind of genetic experimentation or growth formulas are needed to make a bunny that large? And why aren't the results of these experiments available to the general public? I'll tell you why - the mastermind behind these experiments wants to take over the world. To take over the world, you need some sort of advantage, and by handing these kinds of results over, you lose that advantage. Therefore, somebody is trying to take over the world.

4. He's a smart bunny! - No offense to anyone who has a pet rabbit, but rabbits are stupid. You can't train a bunny to take loads of chocolate and put them into houses. Any normal bunny would either try to eat the candy or just leave it alone. Likewise to the bunny requiring a larger, stronger body to carry the candy, you need the bunny to be smarter too. The Easter Bunny not only has to know where to put each basket, but must somehow break into millions of homes without being caught in a single night. This is Santa Clause level training here; how do you train a rabbit like that? The only explanation is that somehow this elusive mastermind genetically modified these bunnies to have the cranial capacity of the entire country of Japan. Either that or he's invented a device that can directly copy knowledge and skills into an animal's brain. Only an evil mastermind bent on taking over the world can come up with this crap.

3. The candy is drugged. - I'm going to shift focus for a minute. The Easter candy you get from the bunny is drugged. It is specifically designed to be addictive. "But why would someone drug Easter candy?" Thanks for asking Mr. Italic. The answer is quite simple - control. The mastermind has come up with a formula that slowly takes over your mind. You don't even notice the difference yet because the drug still requires a certain trigger. I have yet to discover what this trigger is, but I'm sure he's thought of a way to release it to everyone in the world simultaneously. When he does, all will be under his full control. This drug is also addictive, which must explain why I like those Cadbury Cream Eggs so much.

2. There must be more than one. - This would explain why the bunnies can cover so many houses around the world in one night. "But what's so practical about having many Easter Bunnies?" Well Mr. Italic, the answer is simple...the mastermind is creating an army. I mean, you have an army of wicked smart bunnies that are probably larger than your car. I don't know about you, but the idea of being invaded by this kind of fighting force is just...terrifying. "But where would he get the resources to get these many bunnies?" Because he's a mastermind! This mastermind most likely owns Cadbury, or is otherwise stealing half of their Cream Egg profits. "And if there's so many of them, how come nobody's ever seen one?" That question leads to my last point.

1. The bunnies are using stealth technology. - You might have heard that the military is close to perfecting a stealth suit. This suit would offer any soldier partial invisibility in a combat situation. But how are they obtaining this technology. Like you said earlier, the mastermind has to make his money somehow. He's simply giving them an obsolete form of his own stealth technology. His bunnies aren't only partially invisible - they're completely invisible. Not only that though, because somehow these bunnies have to cover their footprints. To do that, they use hover technology. That's right, their both invisible and hovering above the ground. That's why nobody's ever seen an Easter Bunny, because their flying invisible break-in experts.

    So let me sum this all up. The Easter Bunnies are an army of genetically modified giant rabbits using stealth technology to sneak into houses. They do this to hand out drugged candy designed to control everybody's mind. I can't think of a faster way to take over the world. The biggest problem is that not only has nobody caught one of these bunnies, but nobody knows who their boss is. The truth must be known; this evil mastermind must be found. We only have so much time before the world is taken over by bunnies.

...And Now For Something Completely Different

The Bat in a Hat

There once was a bat in a hat,
Who had a pet rat and a cat.
The name of this bat is just Matt.
He likes to eat scat that's nonfat.

He stepped on a gnat that went splat,
Then he slat that gnat on his mat,
And now that dead gnat's just a stat.
That show's Matt's dead gnat drat format.

Matt the bat's combat involves bats,
He'll cheat with his chat about rats,
Then he'll swing that bat like wildcats,
And crush you so flat like those gnats.

He likes to wear hats and play skat,
And search for brickbats on his plat.
But while playing skat with this bat,
He will make you pat his pet rat.

Matt the bat spat scat in that vat,
And pat his pet cat with his bat,
Put on his cravat and his hat,
And ended this frickin poem before it got out of hand.