Movie Review - Disaster Movie

    Before I begin the actual review, let's talk about comedy for a minute. I'm going to compare comedy to a typical 8-year-old boy. Let's say your favorite comedy (mine’s either “Monty Python’s Holy Grail” or “Zoolander” - not completely sure,) is like giving the boy cake or ice cream, he loves it. An OK comedy is like giving him chicken - it's ok, but it's nothing special. A regular failed comedy, like say “Kangaroo Jack”, is like feeding the kid brussel sprouts. Disaster Movie is like setting the kid on fire; it's as if the makers of this movie want to brutally murder comedy.

     I've reviewed many different kinds of bad movies on this blog. Bad kids movies, failed horror movies, a rip-off, several video game movies, shameful sequels, bad superhero movies, and even a hilariously bad rapper movie. However, this is the first time I've delved into failed comedy. Disaster Movie may very well have one of the most appropriate titles in history. Not because the movie is about disasters, not because it spoofs disaster movies (it doesn’t even do that right,) but because the movie itself is the disaster. It was written by two of the six writers of “Scary Movie?” – yup, the same two idiots behind such anti-classics such as “Epic Movie”, “Date Movie”, “Meet the Spartans”, and the recent released “Vampires Suck”. With that, let’s begin.

    The opening rips off Armageddon’s opening, which is one of the few movies referenced in Disaster Movie that came out before 2008. We then move to a swamp with a caveman running. He’s squashed out of no-where by a giant elephant. Well that was a short movie, lets… he's not dead – CRAP! Actually he just fell into a big pile of dung. He then makes a girly scream and continues running until he's knocked down by an American Gladiator holding a padded staff.

    "You just got wolfed" the gladiator says, and then he talks goes on and on about how he trademarked that. Wow, I didn’t know the internet and registering catchphrases existed in caveman times. Anyway, he challenges the caveman to a fight, and the caveman picks up another padded staff that wasn’t there a minute ago. There's a referee that literally appeared out of no-where just to call the match. This is going to be a long one people. The gladiator constantly pounds his staff into the caveman's face while blabbering on about stupid crap. Finally the caveman nails the gladiator in the balls as the referee blows his whistle and cringes. I’m cringing too, because this is painfully unfunny.

    A crocodile roars and the caveman runs away again, this time through a field. He stops and a saber toothed Amy Winehouse impersonator pops out. She looks incredibly ridiculous, even for an Amy Winehouse impersonator. She talks about how the human race is doomed, but when the caveman asks about it slowly, she tells him to slow down cause she's hung-over from gasoline that she drank...what? He asks again and she pulls out a laptop with her FaceNook page open. This website says hommies instead of friends, of which she has none. Ugh, this is so incredibly lame.

    Anyway, Amy Winetooth says that the end of the world is August 29, 2008 - the day the movie came out. While this movie should have meant the end of its writer’s careers, yet they're still working on movies. This joke, as sad as it is, would only work if you saw it on opening day – colossal failure. She then pulls out a bottle of booze which looks more like a big plastic juice bottle and downs the whole thing, because that's funny right? She then tosses the plastic jug aside and it sounds like glass breaking when it lands, what? And now she belches for the better half of a minute so hard it blows the caveman's hair back – it’s so incredibly juvenile that these writers should be in permanent daycare. Then she pulls out a yellow skull from out of her hair, clearly ripping off the new Indiana Jones movie. The caveman then screams and wakes up from his dream.

    The guy, whose name is Will, has short hair now. Will says, "I knew I shouldn't have taken all that Ambien," and beside his bed is a big medicine bottle with the word Ambien written in giant bold letters. Is this turning into that weird house in “Cool As Ice” all the sudden? He then looks at his calendar and sees that not only is it the 29th of August, but his calendar has been pre-marked with a skull drawing. Some black guy pretending to be Flava Flave randomly pops up from his bed. We know he's Flava Flave because he keeps repeating his name, over and over. He's naked save for the clock in front of his junk. Will sends the annoying impersonator away and talks to his girlfriend on the other side of the bed. They talk about how he's not ready for a relationship and, wait…if he's not ready for a relationship and they clearly weren't making out last night, then why are they sleeping in the same fricken bed? She says goodbye and that she's taking Jo Jo with her. Then some midget in his underwear pops out of the bed - maybe this would have been kind of funny if the annoying Flava Flave didn't pop out earlier, but here it just comes across as stupid.

    We then move on to Will's super sweet 16 party, even though the last scene mentioned that he's 25. Random people are dancing to the crappy rap music these two "Scary Movie" writers seem to love so much. Will's looking to see if his NOT girlfriend has arrived. He taps one girl's shoulder, only to find that she has uneven teeth and a huge unibrow. OK, so this means that his caveman dream wasn't just a dream? How is this supposed to be funny? Some other random girl comes up and says "Hey bro, happy sweet 16!" She then pulls off her top, but it's censored by the words "HAiRY GiRLS GONE WiLD." Will is obviously disturbed by the sight of whatever monstrosity is behind this stupid censor bar, and I'm disturbed by the fact that this is supposed to be funny. Right afterward, we get a drunken Dr. Phil impersonator. He takes a shot, gets slapped after kissing a random girl, and then gives out poor advice. These last 10 minutes (yes, we're only 10 minutes in,) have felt like two weeks. We then see two guys pranking some kid who’s passed out drunk. The first guy, named Calvin, shaves the drunk’s eyebrows before the second guy KILLS HIM. Senseless murder is inherently funny, right? Calvin sulks as he backs off while the other doesn't even care. You know what movie, I don't care either - I really hate this festering pile of pure anti-joy.

    Next, we have two guys trying to steal all the party's booze. Guess what, they're "Superbad" impersonators. One of the kids is supposed to be Seth; the other is "Mc.Lover". "But wait healed1337," you might ask, "Isn't he called Mc.Lovin in Superbad?" Well yes, but here he's called "Mc.Lover", and he calls himself that three times as if we didn't get it the first time. I guess they're making fun of Superbad because the movie came out the same year as Disaster movie, because so far everything this movie has referenced came out that year. In fact, I don't think they even saw Superbad, they just saw the trailer and thought "Hey, we should change Mc.Lovin to Mc.Lover and keep repeating it, because everyone will think that's funny." Newsflash boneheads, it isn't. Calvin is told about this by some hot chick (I won’t name her because she’s killed early on anyway) and given a gun. "Nobody tries to steal my (booze)." He then complains that he can't get a clear shot, and then Carma Electra comes in impersonating Angelina Jolie’s character in "Wanted."

    Carmen Electra says "Curve the bullet," again ripping off a movie's trailer. The hot chick then challenges Carmen to stay away from the prankster, and then they're suddenly in a wrestling ring. The ring is in the same room as the party, but all the guests are gone. I guess nobody cared enough about the movie to stay after the set was re-organized. They start wrestling WWE style, and it looks so fake that you might as well watch some 10-year-olds fake it instead. Out of nowhere, they start playing twister and fall at the same time. We're pulled right out of the wrestling ring by the two girls waking Calvin up from his daydream. That daydream joke has been done so many times that it's simply not funny anymore, moving on. He tries twice to curve the bullet but the shot ends up ricocheting all over until it hits fake Phil and the murder prankster in the gut. "Just curve the bullet, I know you have the power," Carmen says. He tries again and sort of succeeds, but ends up shooting Carmen in the face. The two Superbad impersonators then rush out with all the booze they collected. We then see a Juno impersonator playing guitar with...you know, if I keep summarizing this movie like this, I'm sure I'll lose my mind. I'm going to wrap up my thoughts on this movie right here, then just list everything the movie rips off, steals from, or just references.

    Disaster Movie simply shouldn’t exist. It does not deserve to be called a movie; rather it should be called rotten goat cheese. It re-uses most of its cast as if they can’t afford enough extras to cover every minor character. The movie also loves to repeat its jokes over and over as if somehow repetition makes them funnier. Juno’s character constantly speaks in internet acronyms as if it’s inherently funny, and she keeps doing physically demanding things despite being pregnant. Before you start to believe it’s funny, it’s not. This movie references more superheroes than it does disaster movies (as you’ll see below,) and the plot is a jumbled mess of various rip-offs. Actually, this movie’s more of a rip-off than Turkish Star Wars was. I hate this movie, I really do. Avoid this movie like the plague.

    Below is a list of references, rip-offs, and stolen jokes that I noticed. I wouldn’t be surprised if there are more, but I don’t want to know of them if there are. Oh, just so you know, every reference is painfully unfunny unless otherwise stated.

High School Musical (using the same cast as the main characters) - goes on for 5 minutes

Soulja Boy (in the middle of the musical) - somehow they made it even worse than the real Soulja Boy

Justin Timberlake (also in the middle of the musical)

Jessica Simpson (again, during the musical) - her horrible singing in this movie gives me a headache

Cloverfield - in the middle of the party, the building starts shaking and an emergency broadcast begins

Armageddon - asteroids falling from the sky

Hanna Montanna - she gets hit by an asteroid but keeps on popping back to life to talk about her show for three straight minutes

Hancock - wakes up on a bench, tries to fly off, and hits his head on a streetlight

Day after tomorrow - city starts randomly flash freezing

Sex and the City - four girls randomly appear. One of them, with a deep voice, fights Juno in what’s probably the stupidest part of the whole movie

Jumper – the jumper kid, who I guess is supposed to be Will, is talking to his girlfriend while teleporting around, then runs off when the girl expresses interest in a serious relationship

Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspain - the last two are combined, somehow Jumper accidentally teleports onto Caspain's sword

Star Wars - also combined with the last two when Caspain says "He's the guy who ruined Star Wars"

Enchanted - the princess randomly pops up after the hot chick dies, replacing her as semi-main character. She's also incredibly annoying

Step Up - Calvin and the Enchanted Prince challenge each other to a dance off. It lasts for 5 long, grueling minutes

Twister - a tornado breaks up the dance-off. It’s somehow just staying in the same spot between two buildings, and it’s not even causing any damage to the city. The next three occur during the tornado scene, one right after the other

Iron Man - He shouts "I am Iron Man" before a cow lands on him

Hellboy - kicks the crushed Iron Man away only to have another cow land on him. He then gets up and walks off

The Hulk - a man morphs into the skinniest Hulk ever. Guess what, he's also hit by a cow

Get Smart – Calvin answers his shoe phone, only to get poo on his face. While trying to wipe it off, he stupidly spreads it all over

Calvin and the Chipmunks - they randomly show up and sing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas". Then they start singing urban music. After that, high-pitched death metal with enlarged eyes- ok, admittedly I kind of laughed at the death metal part, at least until they started foaming at the mouth and attacked the good guys. Thankfully they kill Juno, ending her rapingly bad impersonation

Batman in a very cheap costume - talks about the evacuation, then gets pulled by a car after he fails to grapple onto a roof

Speed Racer - the princess steals the racer's car and constantly shoots him gangsta style for a full minute. Might have been funny if it was much shorter

Michael Jackson - in the back of the car with a boy and his monkey

Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull - the skull is pulled out of Will's girlfriend's hole

Night at the Museum - a bunch of displays in the museum come to life and attack the good guys

Beowulf - shows up naked and keeps repeating his name. He also has an argument about whether he's gay or not

Kung Fu Panda - has a long fight with the first prankster. Eventually he kills both the prankster and the princess

Indiana Jones - Will and his girlfriend reach the crystal skull's place, only to be interrupted by some black midget pretending to be Jones. Claims to be Will's dad, and then swings into a fan and dies.

The Love Guru - some bizarre wedding scene where he's the minister to Will and his girlfriend’s wedding

Oh yeah, the movie ends with one big musical number with every single character and reference talking about how they're f***ing everybody (yes, they constantly sing the “f” word,) which I'm sure is only in the Unrated version


Two Word Review - Brutally unfunny