Thursday, February 4

Movie Review - Troll 2

    My first Movie review on this website was for Troll 3. Sadly, nobody really knows about Troll 3. Troll 2 on the other hand is a well known classic. It's a cinematic masterpiece, and it's a privilege to watch this work of pure genius.


    How is Troll 2 a cinematic masterpiece? For starters, there are no trolls in the movie - there are goblins instead. Nothing like a cleverly misleading title to heighten up the suspense. Secondly, it has nothing to do with the first troll movie (which is simply forgettable.) Another thing is that the acting is top notch. Nothing like a bunch of professional dentists and a bunch of people hired from the local gym to perform in a movie. You've also never heard more upbeat music in a horror movie before.

     It starts off with Joshua Waits (the central character) being read a story about goblins by his grandfather. The story is about a guy who is fed green goop by some goblin disguised as a "cute" chick. The goop turns the guy slime, and then goblins eat him. That would give me nightmares...goblins that seduce you into eating strange looking food that turns you into slime if you eat it. That has to be the scariest concept ever. Then Joshua's grandfather tells him that these goblins still exist.



    Soon after, his mother shows up to remind Joshua that his grandfather passed away six months ago. She also reveals that their family is going on a trip the next day. They are apparently swapping houses with a family for two months. Joshua's mother always seems to look at the wall when she's talking, thus revealing a huge problem in this world; people always look at other people way too much while their talking, and this movie addresses that problem head on.

    We are then introduced to Josh's sister Holly, who's boyfriend seems to like climbing into girls rooms and surprising them. That would be the best surprise ever. Her boyfriend, Elliot, seems to have a problem deciding whether to stay with her, or stay with his friends (who came with him to Holly's bedroom window.) Everyone knows that if you want a girlfriend, you can't have any guy friends...at all, and this movie reminds us of that perfectly. He is also informed that Holly's dad hates him, and thinks he's good for nothing. Well, he's good at surprising people by climbing through their windows, that's got to count for something.

    Soon enough, the family heads toward their vacation spot; a little town called Nilbog. They reach their vacation home, and swap house keys with the family that lives there. This family collectively has the personality of the terminator matched with the personality of wood, which means that you should trust them with your house for several months too. When the Waits enter the house, they are greeted with a fully prepared meal of bread and cake with weird green stuff on top. Before they start eating, Grandpa shows up at the door. He tells Joshua that the family must not eat, or they will turn into vegetables like in the story. He then freezes time for 30 seconds for Joshua to think of some way to stop them. How Joshua stops them is the most brilliant plan ever conceived in the history of the human race...he pees on the food. I know I wouldn't want to eat food that's been urinated on.



    Elliot followed the family into Nilbog in a motor home with his friends. Where did they get the motor home? Who cares? It's brilliant anyway, and anyone who argues with that is an idiot. After they get there, one of the friends, Andrew, steps out for a smoke, and sees a random girl running through the woods with torn clothes. He pursues, and tackles her onto the ground. A bunch of short people in the best costumes ever show up and stand there as Andrew tells them to go far away or they'll be in big trouble. Yes, those are the words, and they are the best words a single, unarmed man could possibly tell a large group of midgets armed with spears. They somehow recover from this devastating blow and throw a spear into Andrew's chest.

    Andrew and the Girl make their way to this old church, which happens to be someone's home. The resident, Credence Leonore Gielgud, has a personality like no other.



    She gives the tired girl and the wounded Andrew drinks. The girl has a sip, and suddenly starts choking, and stumbles up the stairs. She then turns into the slime, and a bunch of goblins pop out and start eating her. At this, Andrew can only say "There eating her, and then they're going to eat me. OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH." Best...acting...ever!



    We then go back to Joshua, who looks in the mirror of a car, and makes a stunning realization. Nilbog is goblin spelled backwards. Nilbog is the goblin kingdom. Soon after, Holly confronts Elliot at the motor home, and orders him to choose either her or his friends. After he says he doesn't understand, she punches him. "Do you understand now?" Oh, you told him good! Her dad arrives shortly after, and after about two sentences back and fourth, Elliot decides to go with the Waits family, and leave his friends behind. The Waits instantly like him now, and consider him family.

    There is a full party waiting for the Waits at their vacation home. People are dancing, food is ready. They seat the family down and hand them...food. None of the villagers are eating themselves because their so kind and generous. Joshua once again warns them not to eat, but he is sent up to his room.

    You know what, I'm just going to wrap this up. Grandpa shows up with a Molotov cocktail and burns one of the goblins. The family comes outside to see that the burning man turned into a goblin when he died. They now realize that Joshua was telling the truth. The villagers/goblins surround the family in the house and toss them goop sandwiches. They somehow warp Joshua to Credence Leonore Gielgud`s house, where there is a magic rock. To defeat the goblins, all they have to do is touch this rock and concentrate. Concentrate on what? Well...honestly I have no idea but it's brilliant anyway. Joshua scares the goblins away with a double decker baloney sandwich - pure genius on the writer's part.





The family finds their way to the house, and they all touch the rock, finishing off the goblins forever...



OR DO THEY?


Joshua - "They're eating my mom."
Goblin - "You want some?"

Joshua screams, cue credits.

    Anyway, this movie is absolutely the greatest movie ever made, and if you disagree...you are absolutely correct. This movie has a cult following because of how bad it is. The actor for the father is a dentist (still practicing), the actress for the mother seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth, and...it's just bad.
Two word review - Awesomely bad

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