Monday, December 20

Why Santa Clause is Evil

The truth must be known, the people must be warned; Santa Clause wants to take over the world. Don't be fooled by all those nice stories about him, don't let all those nice songs about him convince you otherwise. Santa Clause is evil. I have witnessed his despicable ways with my own eyes and barely escaped his elf hit-squads. To prove this shocking truth, I will list a number of reasons why he is evil - like I did with trees and Super Mario.

10. Santa Clause is a pedophile. He spies on children from his high-tech base hidden deep under the ice at the north pole. He has the largest satellite network known to man and he uses them to watch everyone, including you. How else does he know when you're sleeping and when you're awake? Heck, he probably even has the technology to see you in your nightmares. The next point only adds to this.

9. Santa Clause tries to lure children into his worldwide cult with presents and cute movies. It's true, he gives all these presents out in order so that people will believe in him and his magic. His hope is to lure the children in so that they grow up believing in him, and thus creating the largest religion on earth. This is part of his plan to take over the world.

8. He enslaves people and calls them elves. The story generally goes that he has workshops filled with elves happily building toys for kids. However, the truth is one of the most horrifying examples of forced slavery in all of history. He enslaves children and little people, forcing them to make toys nonstop with barely enough food to survive. This also keeps them small. In order to convince investigators that these are elves, they are forced to undergo ear alteration surgery and sing songs constantly. This causes them to lose their minds, and that is why they appear to be happy; they're all completely insane due to the constant trauma. Many of these little people are newcomers to his worldwide cult.

7. He breaks into millions of houses worldwide in a single night. Let's go back to his gift giving for a second and think. Does he ever use the doorbell? No. Does he even call in advance? No. That means he's breaking in, and that's illegal. He steals a few cookies and a glass of milk while he's there. Therefore, Santa Clause is a criminal; a common thief. To make this even worse, there is no way he can break into this many houses in one night, it's just impossible for any living being to do. The only possible conclusion is that he hires ninjas to do his work. That's right, he hires ninjas to break into your home to drop off child-luring presents and steal cookies. These ninjas are mostly comprised of the enslaved children that managed to survive enough to grow up. He is building an army, which is a part of his plan to take over the world.

6. All those movies and TV specials. I'm sure we're all familiar with this one. There are too many Santa Clause movies to count. We've even got songs and a TV special about his reindeer named "Rudolph" for crying out loud. Every single one of these movies has one thing in common: Santa is either the good guy or the victim in these movies/TV specials. By making him look like either our savior or a martyr, he is trying to brainwash you into his cult. A good example of a movie where Santa's the victim is "The Santa Clause" starring Tim Allan. He's a divorced father with an estranged child who accidentally kills the current Santa. When he becomes Santa, nobody believes him, and he's even jailed towards the end. This tries to make you feel sorry for both the new Santa or the old one that died. This tragic movie disguised as a comedy is trying to make you feel sorry for this criminal mastermind. This is also a part of his plan to take over the world.

This is where things really start to get serious, so pay attention.

5. Santa's flying reindeer. Seriously, has anyone seen a flying reindeer anywhere else in the world? No? I didn't think so. However these flying creatures came into being, it certainly wasn't natural. I mean...what kind of experiments is he running on these poor reindeer? How much torture are these living creatures enduring in order to fly? Santa running experiments on reindeer is the only possible explanation for this. The next point only adds to this.

4. Rudolph! Seriously, it's bad enough that this reindeer has a red nose. As much as the reindeer have been enduring terrible pain and humiliation through Santa's experiments, they still make fun of poor Rudolph. But to say that his nose glows? There is definitely something nuclear going on here. I mean...his nose lights the way through a dark, foggy night. Wouldn't half the light bounce right back, making it even harder to see? Rudolph must be nuclear powered to have the type of light that can help see through fog. My only conclusion is that Rudolph is a living, experimental flying atom bomb. I can assure you that this will be the next great weapon mankind will see. Part of Santa's plan to take over the world.

3. The Easter Bunny is another one of Santa's experiments. That's right! Not satisfied with having only one holiday, Santa clause ran a series of genetic experiments and created the Easter Bunny. Just like Santa's presents under a tree, the Easter Bunny gives children stuff around a major holiday, except instead of toys it's chocolate in a basket. Also, you might have noticed that both of these holidays were originally Christian holidays (well, sort of.) Whether you believe in Jesus or not, it's undeniable that Christianity and all it's denominations and spin-off cults put together forms the biggest religion on the planet, comprising of nearly 1/3 of the earth's population. Santa chose these two holidays in order to lure as many people into his own cult as possible, while hoping to lure in others as well. This is one of his largest parts of taking over the world.

2. What happens if you re-arrange Santa's name a little? Just take the "n" from the middle and put it at the end. What does that spell? Satan! That's right, Santa's name is a slight alteration of the devil's name. Santa Clause is either Satan, or one of his most active servants. This is why Santa wants to take over the world, why he's trying to take over Christianity, and why he's twisted enough to enslave children and little people. Santa is Satan!

And finally, the number 1 reason why Santa Clause is evil.

1. The Santa Baby song! I hate this song with a passion. There is no good version of this song, and neither is it even possible to make a good version of this song. It's always some girl singing about some fat, bearded old pedophile being sexy. How can that work? Santa Baby is the number one reason why Santa Clause is evil.

Actually, Santa's not really real, but this song surely is. In fact, when I think about it, maybe it's that song that inspired me to write this note in the first place. If there is a single serious statement in this entire note, it's that I actually do hate the song "Santa Baby."

I hope to review a bad Santa Clause movie later this week.

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