Movie Review - The Room

    Normally when I do a bad movie review, I sarcastically try to say it's good. This time however, I have no idea how to try to make this movie look good. Quality wise, it is easily the worst movie I have ever seen. Yes, it is funny bad, but not as much as it is mind-numbingly bad. I heard about this movie on the news and that people were still watching it in theaters because of how bad it was, so I had to watch it.

    The plot is that this guy, Johnny, loves this girl, Lisa , but she doesn't like him anymore and falls in love with his best friend, Mark. Lisa and Mark have an affair, Johnny finds out, and then shoots himself. Somehow, the movie needs 90 minutes to explain that. The whole movie is a mess; we start off with three sex scenes in the first 20 minutes (which almost caused me to quit right there thinking it was porn flick,) and then one more...a full hour later. Apart from that, the whole thing just seems out of order, and no scene - and I repeat - no scene lasts more than 90 seconds. You get the girl talking to her mother about the exact same time at least four times in the movie, and if that's not enough, she also talks to her friends about THE SAME THING. The whole movie also takes place in three settings: a living room, a bedroom in the same house, and a roof (I'll assume it's also the same house.) The only other locations are either stock footage of city streets, or the most useless scenes I've ever heard of - a bunch of guys just throwing around a football with no dialogue whatsoever. Yeah, this paragraph pretty much sums up all I can say.

    This movie is so bad, it's just un-reviewable. It's interesting to say the least, maybe even entertaining, but it's still unbelievably bad. There is no way I can properly give this movie justice with words alone. Considering how un-reviewable this movie is, I am just going to have a "Big Bad Ben's Top 10 Worst Quotes" list:

Mass Effect 2 review

    Finally just finished Mass Effect 2 yesterday. Actually I played both of them for the first time in the last ten days, but that's not important. The important thing is this game is awesome! It released several weeks ago for the Xbox 360 and the PC. I got the Xbox version of both. Mass Effect was a very well received game, but it wasn't without it's problems. With Mass Effect 2, Bioware listened to all the complaints, fixed all the problems in the first game, and improved on everything that worked as well. What we get is probably one of the best Xbox 360 games to date - also one of the best looking.

My Ballet Studio - worst game cover ever

Wow, just wow. Nothing looks right on this box art - nothing whatsoever. Are they vampires? Cause I don't see a reflection. Their faces look like they were pasted onto the bodies in photoshop. Also, why is the Balance Board logo there? Uh, never mind, this cover is horrible. Before you ask, yes this game is real!

Team Fortress Grocery Store

Team Fortress 2 is awesome - just plain awesome. It's a multiplayer shooting game made by Valve (Half Life series, Left 4 Dead, Portal, Steam), where you can choose from 9 different classes. Each class works completely differently, has different strengths and weaknesses, and the most effective teams has at least one of each. You have the standard Soldier, the super-fast Scout, the powerful Heavy, and so on and so fourth.

I work in a grocery store. I have for over four years now. After a while, you start to notice some things. The different departments in a grocery store are quite similar to the different classes in Team Fortress 2. Just like in Team Fortress 2 your fighting a war against the blue/red team, in a grocery store your fighting the war on empty shelves. The following list will explain further.

Offensive classes.

Soldier - I might as well start off with the most basic of the bunch. The soldier, or the cashier, is your basic front-lines person. Just like a soldier runs in, sweeping the enemy away with his rocket launcher, the cashiers sweep away at all those food products everyone buys. The soldier shoots everything in sight, the cashier scans everything in sight. But the soldier is just one of the three offensive classes; what of the other two?

Scout - In Team Fortress 2, the scout is the fast guy. He's best for quickly capturing control points early in the match, as well as running past everyone as he heads for the enemies intelligence. In the grocery store, the shelf-stalkers are quite similar. They move all around the store, filling up everything (capture points), cleaning everything (intelligence), and other all-round stuff. There's really nothing more to say about this one.

Pyro - Ah the Pyro, probably my favorite class in TF2. He's the best class for ambushing the enemy, as well as causing general chaos. I don't know how, but I once got 32 kills in one life with the Pyro...all in the same fight. Just ran in, burning everyone, and somehow I didn't die. Sometimes the Pyro can cause serious damage, but because of his short range, he's often killed off without a fight. In any case, the managers aren't too different from the Pyros. They'll ambush workers, telling them to work on something else. Different managers will often give you conflicting tasks, therefore causing chaos. Also like the Pyro, sometimes the managers are useful, sometimes they're not. This all depends on whether the managers actually do anything or if they just walk around. Yes, I've seen managers that do nothing but walk around and tell workers to do stuff. There's also my store manager, who tends to order way too much food; therefore causing chaos. So there you go, the manager is like the Pyro.

Movie & Game releases this week

Movies:

Splice (Wednesday, February 24) - I can't find a trailer for this movie, so this clip will have to do. It looks kind of neat, but I've found these kinds of movies boring in the past.



Cop Out (Friday, February 26) - A buddy cop movie starring Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan. Meh, looks OK.



Defender (Friday, February 26) - Looks like it's supposed to be a Superhero comedy...looks pretty lame too.



Crazies (Friday, February 26) - The trailer reminds me of 28 Days Later. Something's making people go crazy, and they start killing people. It's a horror movie, and it doesn't look all that bad.



Games:

Heavy Rain (PS3) - This is more like an interactive movie than a game. Either way this game looks awesome, and the demo over the Sony Network was good. Definitely getting this one, but probably waiting for a price drop.

Endless Ocean: Blue World (Wii) - Gamespot gave this an 8 out of 10, so it can't be all that bad. Looks like an exploration game above anything else.

The rest (There's so many games this week that I'm only commenting on the last two):

Last Rebellion (PS3)
Napoleon: Total War (PC)
Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's World Championship 2010 Reverse of Arcadia (DS)...why?
Greed Cop (Xbox 360, PS3)
Risen (Xbox 360)
Achtung Panzer: Kharkov 1943 (PC)
Sonic & Sega All Star Racers (Xbox 360, PS3, Wii, DS) - The Xbox 360 version also has Banjo-Kazooie in it.
Age of Zombies (PSP)
Dawn of Discovery: Venice (PC)
Order of War: Challenge (PC)
Arsenal of Democracy (PC)
Metal Slug XX (PSP)

Seems like it's just that point in a console generation where they start getting flooded by games that nobody will buy, except there's too many good games coming out lately too. Also, I noticed that five of these games are for the PC; at least developers haven't abandoned the PC yet.

Top 10 Metal Gear Solid moments

 Ah Metal Gear Solid, one of the more famous game franchises in recent history. There are four main games, and two PSP games. It's a stealth/action series with a deep, complex story and tons of awesome moments. I recently played Portable Ops; the only MGS game I hadn't played until then. While I certainly enjoyed that game, it contained nothing worthy of this list. Just a warning, this list is full of spoilers and references to various plot points that will make little sense to anyone who hasn't played the series. Without further introductions, here's the top 10 Metal Gear Solid moments.

10. AI malfunctioning (mgs2) - Earlier in Metal Gear Solid 2, it is revealed that the Patriots control pretty much everything. However, up until you get captured, you believe that your boss is Roy Campbell from the first Metal Gear Solid. Then out of no where, this boss starts to malfunction, revealing how he's nothing but a computer program. This is where you realize nothing in this game is really what it seems. Not only do the Patriots control everything, but this entire mission was a simulation set up by the patriots to prove that they could control everything. Besides, it's here where we get the famous phrase "I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on hiri-kiri rock... I need scissors! 61!"

9. The End boss fight (mgs3) - Up until this point, the bosses in the Metal Gear franchise are fairly standard in the traditional sense (although often creative as well) - a rather intense battle that should be over in a few minutes. Then we reach The End, and a long epic sniper fight taking place in an entire forest. This battle involves sneaking through the woods, spotting your enemy, and staying out of sight as much as possible. This battle can literally take hours. Not only that, but there are two ways to skip it. One, you can kill him earlier in the game, and two, you can save in the middle of the boss fight, move your console's clock forward several years, and The End has died of old age. Honestly though, it's worth fighting The End, because this is one of the most epic boss battles ever.

...And Now For Something Completely Different

The Bat in a Hat

There once was a bat in a hat,
Who had a pet rat and a cat.
The name of this bat is just Matt.
He likes to eat scat that's nonfat.

He stepped on a gnat that went splat,
Then he slat that gnat on his mat,
And now that dead gnat's just a stat.
That show's Matt's dead gnat drat format.

Matt the bat's combat involves bats,
He'll cheat with his chat about rats,
Then he'll swing that bat like wildcats,
And crush you so flat like those gnats.

He likes to wear hats and play skat,
And search for brickbats on his plat.
But while playing skat with this bat,
He will make you pat his pet rat.

Matt the bat spat scat in that vat,
And pat his pet cat with his bat,
Put on his cravat and his hat,
And ended this frickin poem before it got out of hand.

Uwe Bowl Making Third Bloodrayne Movie

Yeah, apparently he's releasing  another sequel to one of his earlier video game movies. Worse yet, Kristanna Loken (TX from Terminator 3) will be returning as the title character after missing out on the second. Three Bloodrayne movies? That's more Uwe Bowl movies than there ever were Bloodrayne games. What's going on here?

Seriously, why is Uwe Bowl still making movies? How is he making money? Actually, I have to correct myself; he doesn't make movies. He makes video clips, slaps them together, and calls those movies. For those of you who don't know, Uwe Bowl is infamous for making terrible movies based on videogames. Through his movies, he's ruined franchises like Dungeon Siege, the House Of The Dead arcades, Far Cry, and Postal. Some call him the Ed Wood of modern film making, but that's too much of a compliment since all of Ed Wood's pictures were at least his own vision. Uwe Bowl is more like someone with diarrhea who ate too much chili; his crap stinks, burns, and goes straight into the toilet after release. I'm sorry for that image but it's true.

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