Sunday, March 7

Movie Review - Garbage Pail Kids

    OK, I managed to do it. I actually managed to finish this movie. A while back, I reviewed the first 20 minutes of this movie on Facebook; that's literally all I could stand at the time. Now, I've managed to watch this...unique film.
    Garbage Pail kids is a very unique bad film. Some bad films are funny, some are just lame. Some are painfully unfunny, and some make you angry. This one is physically painfully bad, no joke. This isn't any more of a movie than it is a torture device. I'm sure this movie is used in a prison somewhere as an execution method. Just keep playing it over and over again until the prisoner dies of pure, concentrated pain.

     Alright fine, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but this movie is bad, really bad. I honestly can't believe how truly awful this movie is. For someone who can usually enjoy a bad movie - even Troll 2, Plan 9 from Outer Space and others - because of how bad they are, that's saying a lot. The movie had no real plot, no talent, and absolutely no redeeming value of any kind. It's a movie based on trading cards, where each card had some ugly kid doing something disgusting. I have no idea who thought this could make a good movie, but oh boy did they fail.

     From what I can make of it, there's this 12-year-old kid named Dodger whose parents are never mentioned at all. He works at some magician's antique shop. The kid likes this 20-year-old girl named Tangerine- even to the point of stalking her - even though she always dresses like a birthday present (as in a total lack of fashion sense). Tangerine goes out with some bad dude named Juice. Juice wants Dodger dead because,'s a matter of principle? Oh yeah, Tangerine's a total jerk to Dodger, ignores him completely, and he still likes her? Yup, that sums up the main plot..

     Somehow a bunch of really fake looking kids show up.

    These kids have absolutely no personality whatsoever, other than doing gross stuff. Their voices are nothing but annoying, and they start to physically hurt your head fast. You see them, um...doing stuff. They introduce themselves one by one. You have Ali-Gator, an aligator-ish abomination who eats toes, fingers, and eyes out of a box.

You have Windy Winston, who farts. You have Messy Tessy, who always has snot all over her face. You have Valerie Vomit; guess what she does.
You have Foul Phil; I guess he's supposed to be a baby with bad breath, but it's hard to tell. You have Ned Nerd, who constantly pees in his pants. Finally, you have Greasy Greg, whose voice acting is probably the worst I've ever heard. Oh yeah, Greg also carries around a knife, because that's a good lesson for kids, right? Anyway, these ugly...things are called the Garbage Pail Kids, and we never learn where they actually came from. In the mean time, they're told to hide in the antique shop.
     For the first half of the movie, we get nothing but a jumbled mess of scenes jumping between Dodger stalking Tangerine, Juices gang torturing Dodger, and the Garbage Pail Kids torturing the audience with their stupid antics and horrid voice acting that will give you a headache. Every now and then, you'll also get really poorly written motivational speeches from the magician like "loosing is relative" and "retreating is simply marching in a different direction." Oh yeah, the Garbage Pail Kids also have a song in this movie; probably the worst song in any movie...ever. There's also this bar that's literally called "Toughest Bar in the World." Not only that, but after two of the Garbage Pail Kids start a fight there, the owner freely gives drinks to everyone. We also get an up-skirt shot of Tangerine that somehow made it past the censors.

    Anyway, about half way through this...piece of puss, we learn that the Garbage Pail Kids can make clothes. They look terrible, and Dodger even agrees, but Tangerine thinks they're awesome. We also learn that Tangerine, um...hangs outside dance clubs to sell clothes? Dodger and Tangerine make a deal; Dodger makes more clothes, and Tangerine will help him sell them. We also learn that the Garbage Kids are looking for their friends. Please no, not more of them! Well, they are worried that they might be locked up in the State Home For The Ugly and...what? State Home For The Ugly? Are you serious? How many drugs was the Director on?

    Yeah, this State Home For The Ugly jails people just 'cause they're ugly. They'll pay anyone bounty if they bring in someone that's too ugly. They have cages for people who are too fat (Santa Clause was in that cage), too silly (a Clown), too hairy (someone covered in obviously fake hair.) So my biggest question is, how would they get funding for this? At one point, the Garbage Pail Kids get captured and put in the "too gross" cage. The two guards then talk about how they're going to crush the kids in a garbage truck. What? They also kill people in this house? This is simply too ridiculous for words.
    Moving along, Dodger and the Magician  get the help of the "Toughest Bar in the World" and save the kids. They attack the fashion show, Dodger beats up Juice, and then they all go back to the antique shop. Tangerine offers Dodger her friendship, but Dodger replies with "I don't think you're pretty anymore." Funny, I never thought miss fashion failure was all that pretty to begin with. The magician tries to put the Garbage Pail Kids back in the garbage pail, he fails, and the kids ride off to set up the sequel that thankfully never happened.

    Nothing in this movie makes sense. Nothing about Tangerine or how she interacts with others makes any sense. Juice shouts at her, shoves her, disagrees with her, and yet she's still in love with him. She's mean to Dodger, yet Dodger still stalks her. Her fashion sense is terrible, yet somehow she gets her own fashion show. The "Toughest Bar In The World" is just some tiny pub with a bunch of fake bikers. Also, the bar simply advertises "beer"; no bar in the world would simply advertise the word beer, they'd pick a brand or two and stick it all over. The State Home For The Ugly is probably the stupidest concept I've seen in any movie, well, except for breathing in space in "Superman 4".

    The lessons in this movie are terrible too. The kids sing about working together while they're stealing the equipment they need. They get drunk, they steal a Pepsi truck and completely flatten Juice's van with it (really not sure how that's physically possible.) They rip clothes off of the models' bodies at the fashion show, exposing their underwear. Dodger has a bath while the Garbage Pail Kids are surrounding the tub and yet he doesn't care. This is supposed to be a kids movie, it's rated PG, and yet we still get all of that and the up-skirt shot I mentioned earlier. The rating board must have really hated this movie if they missed all of this.
    When this movie came out, everyone was offended. Parents were offended, kids were scared, and tons of people walked out of the theater. The trading card franchise the movie was based on died for more than a decade. That's how bad this movie is. This movie is truly painful to watch. Unless you want to test your sanity, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. That is an honest warning. You will likely need years of therapy after watching this, um...thing. Like the guy who reviewed this movie in a video, it should be studied an analyzed. The first time I watched it (the first 20 mins anyway,) I had to watch Wall-e and Terminator 2 to get it out of my head. This movie's so bad that I can't do it justice with a two word review, so I'm giving this one a four-word review instead. This image sums up my reaction fairly well though...

Four word review -  Utterly Unwatchable Torture Fest

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