Back from internet problems/ retro-bit controller warning

I've been having some internet problems lately, which is why I haven't updated in a while. In the mean time though, I've still been working on material which will be posted over the next week or so.

Also, I recently bought an N64 controller made by Retro-Bit - brand new by the way. Long story short, it doesn't work right. Holding left, right, and up on the joystick works fine, but if you hold it down all the way, the system thinks you're holding it up. No joke, down on the joystick goes up. I have no idea how they messed that up, but I had the exact same problem when I returned it for a replacement controller.

So as a personal recommendation, do not buy Retro-Bit controllers.

Donkey Kong Country Returns poem

Yeah, I know it's mediocre, but I felt like posting it here anyway.

Donkey Kong, Donkey Kong,
when will you return?
Your last real game was DK64,
And even then, I felt a burn.

How awesome were your classics?
Donkey Kong Country and the arcade
You need to return to your basics,
Like Rare last had you made.

Video Review - Crackdown 2

A short review of Crackdown 2. I very much enjoyed the first, so how does this one fare?

Movie Review - Bloodrayne

Today I’m reviewing Bloodrayne, one of Uwe Bowl’s many masterpieces of cinematic art. Uwe bowl is special – he creates movies based on videogames and actually does a good job. I had the pleasure of seeing Bloodrayne lately, and it may even be his best movie ever. Without any further introduction, let’s get started.

Bloodrayne takes place in medieval times, and starts off with three people walking up to someone’s stall. They are Vladimir, Sebastian, and Katarin (played by Michelle Rodriguez… I’ll just call her Michelle cause’ that’s easier for me.) They are apparently looking for something, or someone, but the movie doesn’t tell us quite yet, keeping up the suspense.  Another random dude walks up to the same stall and asks for some Absinthe, and right away Vladimir stabs him in the chest. The random dude falls to the ground and morphs into something ugly as he dies. I have no idea what just happened, but it was frickin hardcore. The best part here is how nobody seems to react to this at all. The owner of the stall then tells them of some “amazing girl” being shown off at a carnival.

The movie then warps to the carnival where we meet Rayne (played by Kristanna Loken from Terminator 3,) our main character. She’s held captive by the carnival’s owner and is brought into a show tent. They force her arm into a barrel of water and it burns. They then feed her blood and it heals. Ok, so I guess Rayne is a vampire then, so why not just tell your audience this? According to the movie vampires are all over, so I’m sure most of these people would have at least heard of vampires. Oh well, it’s awesome anyway. Afterward, they lock Rayne into a cage.

Video Review - Spy Games: Elevator Mission

                                                                                                   

                                       
                    Click To Play                   

                                       
    Well, I finally finished my first video review. It's very amateurish, but half of the development was figuring out the program and fixing technical problems. I hope you like it, and if you have any suggestions for any future videos, please let me know.

Video review

Right now, I'm working on a video review. I've run into a number of hurdles along the way, so it probably won't be ready on Tuesday when I normally post my reviews. Nevertheless, it will be released whenever I'm done. I might as well say that I'm reviewing Spy Game: Elevator Mission. I know I reviewed it here two months back, but I figured it's an easy target and I've never seen any video reviews of it before. All the writing and video capturing is done, I just need to do the voice recording, video recording, and final editing.

Why Super Mario is Evil

A while back, I posted here about how the Easter Bunny is a scientific experiment from an evil mastermind. Last month, I also explained how trees are evil. Now it's time to reveal the biggest shocker yet, Mario is evil. Yup, Nintendo's "family friendly" mascot is not the kind plumber we all thought he was.

    Super Mario Bros is undeniably one of the most famous games in existence. If it weren't for the Famicon/NES and Super Mario, we wouldn't be playing games today. That's right...Nintendo brought us out of the second game market crash. If you haven't played this game, even for a minute or so...you are not a true gamer. These days, it's hard to go to any store that sells games and not see at least one game about Mario or a picture (unless it's the Sony store or the newly opened Microsoft store.) Well, this note is not about how awesome the series is...it's fun, but it's also pure evil.

     Let's start with the original game. What's one of Mario's most famous gameplay elements? Jumping on goombas and turtles (called Koopas in the Mario universe.) This means that Mario is a serial animal killer and should be shot for his unmeasurable animal cruelty. Here he is stealing shells from turtles and throwing them at every living thing in sight. No wonder there are so many ghosts in later mario games; they're all ghosts of the millions of goombas and turtles he's massacred over the years. Sure, one may argue that it would suck being a goomba, being nothing but a head and feet. One may argue that he's doing them a favor by putting them down...but by crushing them under his feet? That's madness.

Movie review - Metal Gear Solid 4

     After four straight weeks of Land Before Time, I just needed a break from bad movies and games. So today I'm reviewing one of the best movies I've seen in a while, Metal Gear Solid 4!

    MGS4 is an epic, action packed CGI movie. For some weird reason, this movie is only compatible with the PlayStation 3, but if you have that you shouldn't miss it. It's loaded with deep, memorable characters, plot twists, and well choreographed action sequences. The movie includes themes of age and death, a changing world, and machines controlling too much. The story can get a little too complicated at times, and it helps if you've seen the previous movies, but MGS4 does a good job at explaining itself.

     The movie starts with a monologue by the main character, a war-torn old man named Solid Snake, who talks about how war has changed. War is now more controlled than ever before, and a computer program has pretty much taken over. While he is monologing, he is riding a jeep with a bunch of rebel soldiers resisting this movement. They are soon ambushed by a bunch of giant leg creatures with guns mounted on their heads...I don't know, they're just awesome. They take out a bunch of the other rebels and...wait, you gain control of Solid Snake? I thought this was a movie! Oh, so this is why it only works on the PS3, it's actually a game for the PS3.