Monday, November 1

Movie Review - Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2


    It's been a long time since I had this much trouble sitting through a movie. As torturous as Turkish Star Wars was, at least it was fascinatingly bad. Baby Geniuses 2 makes you want to look as far away as possible. I’m not kidding, it took me five hours to sit through this 80 minute catastrophe.

    The worst part about this 2004 movie is probably how so many famous people were involved with it. Firstly, it was directed by Bob Clark, known for such famous movies as “A Christmas Story” and kick-starting the slasher genre with “Black Christmas.” Baby Geniuses 2 also happens to be Bob Clark’s last movie before he was killed in a car accident, I’m not yet sure whether this movie or the accident was worse. The movie also stars Jon Voight as the main antagonist, Scott Baio of Happy Days fame, and Peter Wingfield of “24”. Then again, what can you expect from a movie written by Gregory Poppen, who also wrote a TV movie called “The Karate Dog.” Enough delay though, let’s get started with this molded piece of bird crap.


    Baby Geniuses 2 starts out with overly happy music in some daycare center – at least I assume it’s a daycare center. The supervisor, Jean Bobbins is looking at the babies through a window and talking about how they must be communicating, even though they're just making baby noised. Also, these babies look old enough that they should be learning how to speak anyway. Oh, and this daycare is obviously filmed in somebody's house. Also worth noting is how all the kids are only wearing a shirt and a diaper, as if kids are too stupid to realize these are supposed to be babies. This movie insults the intelligence of its target audience - children, and I didn’t think that was possible. In case this scene isn’t stupid enough, it also features Stan Bobbins talking on the phone and ignoring the kids – this is supposed to be a running gag.


    We then move into the baby room, where we hear a group of four “babies” talking. We have three boys and a girl. One of them starts saying some scientific jargon that's trying to sound smart, but makes no sense when you analyze it; I’ll call him brain for now on, because I can’t remember the movie ever giving him a real name. In case you didn’t think that was funny, we get lame fart jokes next. One kid starts talking about some famous event that occurred in East Berlin in 1962, and we flash back to some military base there. I don’t care how smart these babies are supposed to be, why should they care about what happened 42 years ago? I should also mention here that the way these kids move their mouths is downright creepy. They’re trying to mouth what the voiceover is saying but it’s out of synch, exaggerated, and it feels as if these children are being forced to act. It might be poorly done CGI, but I still feel like I’m watching child labor, and that’s why it’s so hard to sit through this thing – it’s creepy.

    Let’s return to the flashback; we see some kid pop out of a tree stump like in “Hogan's Heroes”, but it's just stupid here. He flips like a cheerleader into a bush, which was completely necessary when he could have just run. He pulls out some wrist gadget and launches a grapple hook onto a passing truck. He then transforms his shoes into roller-skates, and is pulled along the road. The kid narrator then tells us of some evil douche named Caption Kane who does "all kinds of bad things."

    We see the caption and one of his officers greet each other. They toast to, "the work we do here" out of nowhere.
1. Lamest toast I've ever heard
2. Why are they doing this outside the building's enterance?
3. Apparently this military base is an orphanage, which makes total sense, right?
4. These guys have horribly fake accents.
Anyway, they both throw away their glasses and we flash back to the spy kid. I'd actually rather be watching Spy Kids 3D right now and I'm only 5 minutes into this turd-fest.

    The narrator goes on about "Kane knew that if you control children, you control the world"...what? Apparently Kane likes capturing children and sending them to camps. So Germany still had concentration camps in the 60's? Anyway, the spy kid grapples onto the roof and walks up. He cuts into some room where two captured children are sitting. They see the ceiling is being cut through, and three more kids pop in behind them, and yet in the very next shot only three kids are there. A bunch more surround the area where the ceiling's being cut, and then the next shot only has three kids again; editing at its best! The spy kid drops down to...oh come on, now there are at least a dozen kids in the shot.

    "Name's Kahuna and I'm busting you kids out of here," the Spy announces.

    As we cut back to outside the military base/orphanage, sirens are sounding and searchlights are moving all over the place. The kids slowly walk into the log tunnel from earlier which is IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FEILD. Why hasn’t the searchlight found them yet? Also, how long has that tunnel been there? Where did all that dirt go and when did they have the time to line it up with blue lights? Kahuna says the tunnel goes all the way to the United States - that's a long tunnel just to perform a one-time kid rescue mission. We then hear Kane telling his soldiers to find the kids - of course we hear him talk for two full seconds before we see him marching along because this movie is edited so well.

    "I want Kahuna!" Kane shouts. "Hey prissy pants! Don't wet yourself, I'm right here." Kahuna replies. Honestly, how did Kane know it was Kahuna without seeing him? Just because something crazy is happening at your base, doesn’t mean your arch nemesis is involved.

    "So we meet again, my little arch-enemy." He then pulls out a cigar.

    "Those things will kill you." Kahuna then pulls out a lollipop.

    "And those things will give you cavities." Kane says.

    "That's OK, I've still got my baby teeth." So by request, Kahuna gets a last word, which is "Duck!" He secretly pushes a button and then you hear an engine. Some little tricycle car shows up and knocks all Kane's men down at their feet. Is the vehicle called duck? No? Then why did the kid say duck when the thing’s only knee high? The tri-car circles around Kahuna twice for no apparent reason as Kane says his next line.

    "My leg! This machine has damaged my leg." Kahuna then float-jumps into his leg-damaging machine. When I say float jump, I mean it’s the fakest looking jump I’ve ever seen. He pulls out some green-liquid carrying bottle. "Get him before he..." Kahuna drinks the green liquid. "Noooo. It's too late." The kid then exposes his arm and flexes it, his arm flashes green and he suddenly has giant muscles (for a kid). "It's over now." Kane says. What’s over? What the frick is going on?


    We then get what may be the most physically impossible fight scene I've ever witnessed. Kahuna is flipping over the soldiers using his non-existent body weight. He's also floating in the air and ripping off fight moves from the Matrix trilogy. Despite having defeated all of Kane's soldiers, the buffoon Caption decides to attack Kahuna anyway. Kahuna knocks Kane out and then flips his way into a modern day mustang, because those definitely existed in East Germany in the 60’s.

    Finally the flashback ends. Stan walks into the daycare room, talking on his phone about using the daycare kids in his marketing business or something. I don’t know, it really makes no sense, but if this is supposed to be our protagonist, why is he selling out toddlers? The four main kids talk about how he's not a good father and...you know, I can see why this is the number 1 worst rated movie on IMDB's as of this writing...it's offensively bad.

    Several of the kids say they're hungry, but the adults don't understand baby talk. The kids then start crying, and it's just as painful to listen to as you probably imagine. If these kids are so smart, why don’t they use friggin body language?

    The next scene is at a house party where Kane shows up in a black car. Apparently he’s a millionaire business man now, yet he can’t afford a limousine for some reason. He's older now, and when I say older I mean his hair is white and he has a mustache - he looks and sounds exactly the same otherwise. Nothing else noteworthy happens here. Yup, he just walks out of a car with two of his helpers, nods at a few people, and that's the scene. What a terrible way to reveal that he's still around, and there isn't even a sinister soundtrack present.

    We're back at the daycare again, yey! A girl from the university shows up as a guest story reader. Really? You have university students as guest storytellers in this daycare? One of the kids even has an internal monologue about the words "literally dancing off the page." So the words are literally doing the tango now? I don't see any words dancing off the page. I won't single out this movie for such a horrendous misuse of the word "literally" as it's overused in mainstream journalism as well, but it's still unforgivable. One kid starts joking about brain being attracted to the girl, and yes there is the "sitting in the tree" gag. I've literally written better dialogue in my sleep. Oh yeah, and this attraction joke is never mentioned again.

    The guest reader asks what the kids are blabbering about, and the daycare worker tells her that they're not blabbering - they're talking. Um, blabbering about crap is still talking you fricken idiot! "I just wish we could understand what they were talking about." Why?


    One of the kids looks out the window and sees Kane talking to a crowd. Wait, that party is right outside? Nice of you to not establish that properly. Anyway, while Kane is talking about...whatever the crap he's talking about, some bush sneaks around on the ground. The bush stops and a camera pops up. The movie's trying to hide who the kid in the bush is, but it's obviously Kahuna.

    The baby then gathers the other three and they head to the daycare's computer. The main baby look up Bill Biscane (Kane), but he’s obviously not typing on the keyboard correctly. Some website pops up with Kane's face in red. He has horns on his head and flames in the background. The text reads "Bill Biscane: Entrepreneur or corporate criminal?"
1. Who would make a website like this?
2. If there was a controversy, then why would he be allowed anywhere near a daycare?
3. When three of Kane's men wandered into the office?
4. Why did the “baby genius” stay behind as the others hid? Worse yet - why did he intentionally turn the computer's sound on, exposing his position?
5. Why are these FBI-lookalikes allowed to freely wander around a daycare center and do whatever they want? More on that later.

    Kahuna comes crawling on the ceiling to save the kid. How? Why? He says "why don't you pick on someone half your size." What's this kid talking about? He's no more than a third their size. He drops on the one of the baddies, knocking him clean out somehow. He rolls a chair at another, forcing her to sit down and spin wildly into a table. With the last baddie, Kahuna grabs his arm and flips him over back and forth constantly chanting “Heads you win, tails you lose.” He finishes the loser off by launching him onto the computer desk. All this ridiculousness is set to lame hero music and stupid one liners that make Mr. Freeze from “Batman and Robin” look genius by comparison. The three baddies walk out, showing their acting talent equals that of a broken shelf.

    The other kids don't believe that Kahuna saved the main kid, who I just learned is Archie. I guess this is where their "personalities" start to show. Besides Archie and Brain, there's the girl who appears to have spontaneously grown anger management problems.

    "I don't have aggression issues, and don't make me pound on you to prove it." She says.

    "OK Ms. Tyson don't bite my ear off." Brain replies. Someone was paid to write this people, think about that for a second.

    I’ll call the girl “Girl”. The fourth kid has no defining character traits and could easily be removed from the movie, so I’ll just call him Bob.

    So the university girl asks if she can walk the kids over to some museum and Stan says yes. She walks out with a baby carriage for four - with the four main babies of course. She bumps into a table that three baddies are working at, somehow knocking a CD into the girl's bag. The baddies panic like any stereotypical bumbling soldier does. What are they doing at that desk to begin with? They were putting it into some CD drive that wasn't connected to anything. Why are they allowed to meddle with the daycare's electronics so freely? I'm sure if this were happening in real life the daycare would be forced to close after concerned parents complained to the police.

    "It's gone! Without that disk we're sunk." Um, if it's so important you probably should have taken better care of it, and why didn't you have a backup? This is the year 2004 after all, which means a large corporation should be able to backup such an important disk.


    The university girl is walking the carriage down the street, as in literally on the street. She's followed by a big, blue van that doesn't pass when she waves them by. Another van shows up in front of her. She panics and runs the carriage into the forest, starting a carriage/van chase. I never thought I'd see this in a movie, so I guess that's one point for creativity. One of the kids shouts "fasten your seatbelts; this might be a bumpy ride." AAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!

    The two vans corner her in between two silos and four guys step out. "What do you want?" The university girl asks. Before they can answer, Kahuna's leg-damaging machine shows up. Three of the kids take turns saying "what" "the" and "heck." How is that supposed to be funny? Oh, and as usual, Bob is the odd one out.


    Kahuna jumps out of his leg-damager and drinks his green liquid again. The bad guys laugh as he flexes his muscles…that is until green wavy lines jump from one hand to the other. They look just as confused as I am at this terrible special effect shot. Kahuna then flips his feet into garbage cans and starts kicking the baddies. Question - since when is weak jazz music appropriate for a fight as ridiculous as this? Also, anything that serves to remind me of Garbage Pail Kids is never a good thing.


    As awesome as they try to make this Kahuna kid appear, the bad guys are really doing themselves in. Kahuna crawls under one guy's legs, and another decides to follow. He gets stuck of course, and Kahuna grabs his arm and pulls it up. Somehow three guys are tangled around each other, and they manage to take the fourth out by throwing a garbage can into his head. This is indescribably stupid; it's like taking all the stupid from Home Alone 4's traps and combining them into one single shot. The fight concludes with another physically impossible stunt ripping off the Matrix - running perfectly straight on a wall for more than 15 feet. Why am I watching this? Why does this even exist? WHY? WHY?

    Kahuna convinces the girl to climb into one of the vans, with Kahuna in the driver seat no less. I know he fought well, but why is she letting the kid drive? Kahuna scans the car's engine, which somehow allows his wrist gadget to create a key for the van. Wait, wouldn't the key still be in the ignition? We saw the bad guys walk out without even turning the vans off. Kahuna's shoe extends its sole, ripping off the kid driving with a brick in the "Temple of Doom". He drives forward then slams on the breaks to allow the baddies to smash their faces into the back of the van. This isn't even close to funny, especially when Kahuna keeps spouting one liners that would make grass contemplate suicide.

    We then see Kane's office for the first time - it looks utterly ridiculous. It's a hallway with giant pillars, a globe, and a tiny desk in the back with a stained glass window. It almost looks like they filmed it in an abandoned small church and covered the pillars and walls with shiny crap. One of his minions comes in to say he couldn't get the disk back. Wait a second. How did Kane get back to his office so quickly if he was just at the daycare? How did they know the four kids had his disk? Why the frick didn't they have a frickin back up disk if this disk was so frickin important for frick sake? After learning that Kahuna is involved, Kane feels faint, sits down and demands a soda pop of all things. Well, this is a kids movie, so I guess a shot wouldn’t be too appropriate.

    We cut to Kahuna driving the van into a secret base at the Hollywood sign as one of the four babies keeps rambling on about everything Kahuna did in the fight as if we all have Alzheimer’s. Dude, that fight was less than two minutes ago, I think we remember what happened, and even if we don't - WE DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER! Also, this secret base behind the Hollywood sign is so cliché by now that “Austin Powers in Goldmember” made fun of it.


    Kahuna leads the kids and the university girl into some room that's supposed to look awesome. I guess it's supposed to be the ultimate playroom, but then why is there an unguarded pool? Any toddler could drown in there, supervised or not. To make matters worse, there’s a boat riding on a track (resembling those slow water rides for toddlers) in that same pool, this isn’t even close to child-safe. The walls look like their trying to rip off Superman's home in the arctic, and everything's so blindingly bright and shiny.

    "Wow, this place is totally off the hook," one of the kids says.

    I agree, but not in a good way. To get into the main room, the group has to step into the boat I mentioned earlier. Different holograms start randomly popping up, like unfunny clowns and random animals like elephants, lions, and bears. This is the movie's most annoying scene yet as the kids keep talking over each other about everything they see.

    The girl asks "how come you still understand baby talk?"

    Kahuna answers "I never forgot it." The bigger question at this point is WHY ARE YOU STILL A SMALL LITTLE TWIRP? That is explained later though.

    The four kids step into some "Imagination Station" thing, the name reminds me of a show I used to watch called "Adventures in Odyssey," except here it's just stupid.

    In the Odyssey show, the imagination station brings you into an alternate reality situation where you can witness firsthand different historical events and dream worlds. Of course, it's all in your imagination, but it makes you feel like you're there. It was a neat concept, and became the center of a good number of its episodes.


    In Baby Geniuses 2 however, the imagination station reads your brain and gives you a new outfit. It turns Archie into some caped freak, Brain into some graduation hat-wearing fashion blasphemy, Girl into cupid, and Bob into some bouncy ball suit. I can physically feel my brain shutting off - somebody send help! After they complain, Kahuna turns them back into their normal selves.

    The university girl, looking all over the place, says the only thing I sort of agree with in this movie so far.
"This place definitely rates a 10 on the weirdness scale." Personally, I think it rates 12 out of 10 on the utterly stupid scale, but you're on the right track. After telling a few obnoxious holograms off, teenager pops up and she hits him. Realizing this teenager's actually real, she apologizes and they introduce each other. He introduced himself as Zack and leads her up to Kahuna's communication center, where we get a cameo from Whoopi Goldberg. Honestly Whoopi, how'd they drag you into this one?


    The band O'town shows up next, and then George W. Bush, although George is just a recording they probably ripped off. Together, they convince the daycare people, who now reveal themselves as the university girl's aunt and uncle, that they walked too far and are staying at a hotel under police protection for the night. Don't ask, it's too stupid for me to want to tell. Also, what about the babies’ parents? I’m sure they’d like their kids back tonight. The movie never addresses this point at all.

    We then cut to another rip-off scene; I've been doing lots of rip-offs lately, haven't I. Anyway, this scene rips off Batman as they slide down these tubes into some secret underground lab. They talk about getting their disk back by luring Kahuna to their public speech. Ok, so if this Kahuna is as smart and dangerous as he is, then why would he be foolish enough to bring the disk with him? Also, we never find out how they lure him in, he just shows up when the speech comes.

    We warp back to Kahuna's base, where we learn his back story. Zack tells the university girl that he was rescued from an orphanage by Kahuna. Kahuna helped the kids from that orphanage to find their parents, but Zack’s parents were never found. Kahuna took Zack in, and he's been there ever since. He informs us that Kahuna is over 70 years old, and that his father was a scientist back in the early 20's. His father developed some formula that unlocks the energy found inside a young kid's brain.


    However, this formula was more powerful than he imagined - it stopped the aging process altogether. This is right up there with killing goblins by touching a rock, except the goblin killing rock was funny, this isn't. Somehow Kahuna drank the formula and stopped growing. He became smarter and faster than any other kid his age, but he was stuck in his toddler body. What confuses me is that he looks younger when drinking the formula than he does for the rest of the movie, but since when did anything in this movie make sense? Kahuna’s brother, who grew with time, became jealous as their father only paid attention to Kahuna. Hmm, my guess is that his brother is Kane - any bets? Anyway, Kahuna's father tried to find a cure, but passed away before he succeeded.

    Kahuna was sent to an orphanage because nobody would believe he was 18, so he ran away and decided to help orphans all over the world. And that concludes this pathetic attempt at trying to make us care. Zack then asks the girl out for a picnic lunch behind the H of the Hollywood sign...OK. She accepts, but we never see the lunch. As she grabs her bag, Kane's disk falls out. They give the disk to Kahuna, who discovers that it's some suspicious kid’s video. It's suspicious because it has some sort of Matrix rip-off coding in the video footage. Why does this movie keep ripping off The Matrix?

    Anyway, Kahuna and his teenaged helper show up at Kane's public speech in the van they stole the previous day. He begins a countdown from 60 and gets the entire crowd to count each word out loud. Honestly? That kind of countdown only works for new years, not some random speech in what looks like a forest. There's a giant TV near Kane's podium, so my guess is that he's demonstrating a TV show or something. Kahuna figures out what’s going on, and it's actually stupider than I thought it would be. Two satellite dishes are sending out a wireless signal designed to control children's minds while a TV show is playing. Kahuna then takes out his leg-damager and rides out the back of the van. The front wheel folds up and sprouts helicopter blades...what? His tri-car is a helicopter now? Are all of Kahuna’s gadgets physically impossible?


    When we look back at the countdown, now at 18, Kane and his minions are now dancing to the counting, and I'm really beginning to hate this crap. Kahuna shows up and zaps one of the satellite dishes with a laser. Somehow his helicopter is zapped by electricity and it disappears. No seriously, Kahuna and his helicopter completely disappear. Kane tell everybody that the helicopter was only a hologram, and everyone’s stupid enough to believe him. Zack pushes down the giant TV and is arrested by Kane's security.

    The four babies at their table in the daycare as Archie is holding one of Kahuna's gadgets. He pushes a button and activates a message. Kahuna says that if they're seeing this message, something bad has happened. He encourages them to believe in themselves, and that's it. The four collectively decide to, um...do something about it?!

    Cutting back to Kane’s base, Kahuna is in chains now and...wait. Didn't he vanish? How is he alive? Can somebody please explain what's going on? Oh, that's what's going on; we get the cliché scene where the bad guy explains to the captured spy his plan. What's Kane's plan you might ask? He plans to brainwash everyone in the world by hacking into every TV station in the world and playing the disk he just got back. Yeah, Kahuna actually took the disk with him, so I guess he's stupider than I thought. Kane then sends Kahuna away. Oh, and another thing. If the TV program relies on satellite disks to send out his brainwashing signals, then how does he expect to brainwash the world when most people don’t have satellite dishes in their living room? Holy crap this is stupid.

    "Is he gone?" Kane asks. The second he's sure Kahuna's gone, he starts playing a piano. Um...OK. So you were willing to explain your full plan to Kahuna and let him insult you (stupidly) before putting him in an escapable situation and yet you don't want him to hear you play a musical instrument? Who says bad guys have to make sense?

    They drag Kahuna into a prison cell, which has a bunch of spike hanging from the ceiling covered in cobwebs.

    "Who designed this place, Spiderman?" Who wrote this joke, Curious George? See, I can do it too, it's not the least bit cleaver. They search his pockets and toss a bunch of small toys and gadgets aside. Why they didn't do that the second they had him captured I don't know, but I don’t even care anymore. They place him in the middle of the room and the spikes drop down to form a small prison cell. Of course, the bars are small enough that Kahuna could easily slip through if he wanted, but don't tell the movie director that.

    We flash back to the daycare parents talking about their babies going missing again. Bob pops into the office to grab car keys, finally giving him something to do, and the mother notices. Rather than stopping this toddler from taking the van she watches and says,

    "Did you see that? You're not going to believe this." Bob walks into the van where the other three babies are waiting. They try to start the car but the daycare parents stop them. Their niece then shows up and tries to explain the situation, complaining that they wouldn't believe her before. When did she say anything before? I'm pretty sure they cut away before she said anything.

    Flash back to Kahuna in his cell. He's calling out to his robot toy to blast his cell's control panel. The spikes lift back up, freeing Kahuna. OK, why on earth did the baddies leave Kahuna's gadgets in the same room as his cell? They already know he has a helicopter and tons of other insane gadgets, so you'd think they'd take that extra precaution. He shows up at Kane's lab and takes the disc before they can begin their broadcast. Again, why don't they have a backup? Kahuna runs out the building and jumps into his tri-car, which is just sitting there in the parking lot. My brain just gave out, so I can’t think of anything to say.

    Kahuna transforms his car into an helicopter again and another chase begins. As he rides his helicopter just above the road, I wonder why he doesn't ride higher and above buildings. Because he's riding so low, several blue vans can follow him closely. One of the vans has Kane and seven of his helpers in it, and its back seat has five people on it.

    "Keep your eye on the radar," Kane says. Um, why? You're close enough behind Kahuna that you can just follow him directly, so why do you need to watch the radar?

    The four toddlers arrive at Kahuna's lair with the daycare parents and their niece, so I guess she convinced them this time. Zack sees on the radar that Kahuna's on his...how did he escape Kane's security? No movie, you can't just get away with that, I demand an explanation. Last time we saw Zack he was being arrested by Kane’s men, and yet now he’s free? The babies go back into the imagination station and become the same fashion rejects that they did before. Kahuna arrives and Kane follows closely. Kahuna stands in the imagination station as Kane orders his men to prepare for a beach formation...what? Also, where did everyone else disappear to?


    "Nice spot. A bit too much candy-cane for my taste..." What candy canes? There isn't a single Christmassy item in this entire room. Anyway, Kane goes on about how he's got many allies and that Kahuna's alone. We then hear a bunch of voices repeating "Kahuna's not alone." Wait, I though the other babies didn't know English, and do they have to repeat it fifteen fricken times? We then see bouncy Bob bouncing down the stairs, Cupid standing on top of...something, professor Brain walking in reading something about diaper history, and Strong Archie popping out of a giant jack in the box. Oh yeah, and their all speaking adult talk now - WHERE DID THAT FRICKEN COME FROM? Zack and university girl grapple down from the ceiling in secret agent suits, and then the daycare parents pop up from behind a cardboard display. If this is supposed to be about baby geniuses being heroes, why are the adults helping them?

    "The more the merrier," Kane says. "I want that disk!" Kahuna then tosses it, and controls where it goes with his wrist gadget, huh? When did this CD get the magic power of self-propulsion? All the bad guys scramble to grab the disk rather than fight the good guys - dumbest...bad guys...ever. Cupid shoots two of the bad men with cupid arrows, and suddenly they're in love with each other. Archie flies around like Superman and punches two other guys out. Is this supposed to be funny? It isn't. Cute? It's repulsive. Exciting? I'd rather be watching styrofoam decompose.

    Stan challenges one of the bad guys, only to get punched in the face. "How dare you punch my husband!" Jean says. The bad guy laughs until she knees him in the balls. I actually felt pain there, not because it looked painful, but because the movie itself is. Professor Brain tells Bouncy Bob to go after several bad guys, and he does by flying and bouncing all over the place. It looks fake, it's stupid, and it makes me want to punch these CGI babies in the throat. Bouncy Bob then stops by Kahuna and asks for some water. So let me get this straight; the movie's main hero has been reduced to serving drinks and flying a disk around the room. If that's not undignifying, I don't know what is.

    All but three bad guys are defeated in this fight of pure stupidity. Kahuna grabs the disk again, and all the good guys cheer together. However, one of Kane's goons manages to grab the disk straight from Kahuna's hands; I guess Kane's men aren't the only stupid people in this movie after all. Kane puts the disk inside Kahuna's control center and begins to transmit the TV show all over the world. He then reveals that he and Kahuna are brothers. This is probably the most predictable plot-twist I've ever seen.

    We see one last flashback, which explains how it all happened. Kane tried to drink their father's formula, but lightning knocked it out of his hands and it dripped into Kahuna's mouth. Yup, that's how it happened - words fail me. I'm still not sure how to explain what happens next, but Kane is defeated and Kahuna reverses the mind control message. Instead of removing everyone's free will, it increases their free will. Kane is then punched into the imagination station. Kane pushes the previously unseen activation button to activate it on himself, and it transforms him into a baby. One of his men decides to take care of him. Kahuna then decides to pack up and move on.


    The movie ends in the most cliché way possible - Zack meets his mom at last, everyone's happy, and Archie is labeled a Jr. Kahuna.

    This movie simply shouldn’t exist. It’s creepy, it’s insulting, and it’s thoroughly unpleasant. There is absolutely nothing redeemable here, and it’s a huge black mark on a deceased director’s filmography. How could the father of the slasher film make such crappy children’s movies? How was this movie even made when the first Baby Geniuses did so poorly? How did so many famous people get involved with this empty void of entertainment?  There isn’t a single second in this movie I can’t complain about. It’s not the most painful movie I’ve sat through lately, but it’s certainly up there.

Two word review – Offensively Bad

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