Wednesday, February 15

Movie review - Brazilian Star Wars

(behold the Millenium Failcon)

    Warning, the movie that is reviewed in this post should not be viewed by anyone. It is an atrocity of epic proportions. To even call it a movie is an insult to every other movie reviewed or even referenced on this blog. You are welcome.

    Brazilian Star Wars is a spoof on Star Wars, if you could call it that. The movie’s official title is Os Trapalhões Na Guerra Dos Planetas, which is roughly translated to “The tramps in Planet Wars.” Who are the tramps? They’re a group of Brazilian buffoons who think they’re the four stooges. Their silly reactions to the movie’s events are so over the top that it will make you sick. Their non-jokes make Disaster Movie look like a work of genius. It makes Garbage Pail Kids look like a sophisticated work of art. To quote the Cinema Snob; “To call them silly would be to take the dignity out of the word silly.” In short, this movie is painfully unfunny – the worst kind of bad movie.

(I totally believe he's standing there)

    At 90 minutes long, Brazilian Star Wars is 200 minutes too long. I’m not kidding, it drags on so much that it felt like it was 200 minutes long. It’s simultaneously painful in its pathetic attempts at comedy while being so boring that it’s hard to stay awake. Turkish Star Wars, and its sequel, both had too many ultra-short scenes jumbled together. This movie is the opposite – every scene drags on three times longer than it needs to.
The movie opens up with a car chase. You read that right, a car chase opens up a Star Wars spoof. It doesn’t even have anything to do with the rest of the movie. The chase is the tramps driving away from pursuers for six minutes, in sped up footage. Why are they being chased? No idea because there isn’t any dialogue for the entire chase, just corny music. Even when there is dialogue in Brazilian Star Wars, it isn’t in English and there are no subtitles. I consider that a blessing.

(I totally believe that spider is the size of a house)

    At one point in the chase, one of the tramps randomly steps out of the car and chases after it to get back in. Why? This movie makes about as much sense as a stick of deodorant asking for more vanilla coke, that’s why. The chase even has a dumb ending as all the remaining pursuers get stuck in a beach – we never see them again. So you didn’t lose them by either causing them to crash or making a jump they’re too scared to attempt? That was weak.

(This totally belongs in a Star Wars movie. OK, enough of the "totally" jokes)

    The next scene is pointless; the tramps are resting on a beach. A turtle with a lit candle on its shell randomly shows up and lights one of the tramps on fire. He isn’t harmed though, making this one of the movie’s many frustrating fake outs. No seriously, you want these annoying boneheads to die and the movie tricks you several times into thinking that they might, only for the tramps to emerge completely unharmed.

(Brazilian Chewbacca looks like a druggie)

    After the beach scene, a UFO shows up. A man who looks like he’s supposed to be Luke Skywalker invites the tramps on-board, where Brazilian Chewbacca is piloting. Wait…does that make the tramps this movie’s Han Solo? This is more offensive than if George Lucas digitally replaced Chewbacca with Jar Jar Binks.

(Here are the tramps)

    The rest of the movie is comprised of pointless fight scenes, running scenes, and a few conversation scenes that I can’t understand. Oh, and a seven minute dance sequence that whatever pacing this movie had left.
The fight scenes are the worst I’ve ever seen. They’re full of random slow motion, rewinding and repeating footage, and silly sound effects and music. Jokes are often repeated several times over as if they are desperate for even one laugh. The worst part is that Darth Vader is introduced during the first drawn-out fight scene. The very first time we see him; he’s grabbed onto a girl and is dragging her across the desert. No subtlety, no fighting skill, just HOLY CRAP it’s Brazilian Darth Vader.

(At least he doesn't look like a total pansy)

    The way Darth Vader is defeated is worse still. Somehow he’s frozen, and one of the tramps starts playing around with his body and armour. It doesn’t matter what kind of movie you’re making; if your villain isn’t the least bit threatening, it’s better to not have a villain.

(I take that back)

    I mentioned the fake outs earlier - the rest of them happen within the fight scenes. At one point, one of the tramps is tied up and hung on a pole…or something. The rope holding him up is burning, and he’s hung right over a giant spike. He falls down, but the spike suddenly disappears. How? Another of the tramps shot it. The worst fake out is when the one tramp lands on a mine. It explodes and the tramp seems to disappear. Next frame, you see him stand back up from the ground shaking it off.

    The dumbest fighting scene however is when the tramps are attacked by fruit and … just watch - 


    What else am I supposed to say about this movie? It’s 90 minutes of brain-draining stupidity. This is the worst movie I’ve ever seen, without a doubt. It’s a painfully bad snooze fest that I will never watch again. Unless you want to test your might as a masochistic bad movie survivalist, stay as far away from this piece of ox turd as possible. Yuck, this actually makes the holiday special look good.

(Why'd you have to freeze frame it there to end the movie?
One more second and the gold might have bashed them on their heads.)

Two word review – Blasphemously bad

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